When Your Child is Aggressive with Tosha Schore

↑こちらのポッドキャストを、先日書いた↓こちらの文字起こしアプリで起こしてみた。
【英語上級者向け】英語ポッドキャストを文字起こし＆要約＆単語抽出【ChatGPTさまさま】 - さんだーさんだ！（ブログ版）
…このポッドキャストは、親切にもトランスクリプトがHPで公開されていた！今後はこれを分析かな…!!笑

長いので、主な注意点を最初に🙏（GPT-4 APIの使用でだいぶよくなったと思いますが…）

• [mm:ss]というタイムスタンプは、入っているところと入っていないところがあるかも。
• 「-Japan（日本）」「-Barak Obama（バラク・オバマ）」があるかも。単語帳作成のためのプロンプト中に例として挙げたものが紛れ込んでいる可能性があります。
• proofreadについてなど、ChatGPTへのプロンプトを本文と誤認している場合もあるかも。
• その他にも日本語訳が抜けているなど不完全な部分は多々あるかと思いますが、基本的にはChatGPTの限界だと思ってご了承ください。。
• 誤訳や不完全な文字起こしがあったとしても、なんの責任も負えませんので、ご自身で確かめながらご利用ください。

"Sarah Rosensweig, PMA Transcript. Welcome to the Peaceful Parenting Podcast. I'm your host, Sarah Rosensweig, mom of three young people, peaceful parenting coach, and your cheerleader and guide on all things parenting. Each week we'll cover the tools, strategies, and support you need to end the yelling and power struggles and encourage your kids to listen and cooperate, so that you can enjoy your family time. I'm happy to say we have a great relationship with our three kids. The teen years have been easy and joyful, not because we're special unicorns but because my kids were raised with peaceful parenting. I've also helped so many parents just like you stop struggling and enjoy their kids again. I'm excited to be here with you today and bring you the insight and information you need to make your parenting journey a little more peaceful. Let's dive into this week's conversation. Hello and welcome back to another episode of the Peaceful Parenting podcast.

Today's episode is a guest expert, Tasha Shor, and we are going to be talking all things aggression. I know that this comes up a lot for so many of you. What do you do [1:00] when your child is aggressive and trying to hit you, or hitting you, or hitting their siblings? And this is just a question that I hear so so much, so I know this is going to be such a helpful episode for you all. It's also a special episode because this is a sneak peek inside my membership. Tasha was a guest expert in our membership. Once a month we have a theme and our theme was aggression, and I invite someone who can come in and talk to our members, and answer their questions. Tasha was our very special guest, and our members, and Tasha, have graciously allowed us to use this as a podcast episode so that you all can get some of Tasha's wisdom, which is amazing. You're really going to love this episode, and also for you to get a little bit of a sense of what it's like to be inside my membership.

If you're interested in the membership, I only open doors twice a year, so that I can really focus on supporting the members inside rather than trying to get new people all the time, and guess what, that time is approaching. We are going to be opening the doors next week. That is the second week in April. [2:00] If you're listening to this outside of that time and you miss it, you can still go to the same link to sign up for the wait list. So if you're interested in the membership, you can go to SarahRosenSuite.com. And you can either sign up to be notified the next time the membership doors are open, or you can check out the membership. The doors are gonna be opening on Wednesday, April 12th, and will remain open for one week until Tuesday evening, April 18th.

So again, if you're listening to this outside of those times and you're interested in the membership, go to sarahrosensweet.com/membership and sign up to be notified when we're opening the doors again. Or if you're listening to this within that time, you can check out the membership. If you're listening to this the day the podcast comes out, we will be opening the doors in one week. So it'll give you lots of time to check it out and think about it, and definitely tune back in for more details when we do open those doors. I'm really excited for you to meet Tasha and to meet some of my members. It's a really, really special place. And I've had, [3:00] I think, I've had the membership for three years now.

And I've had folks who have been members since day one who are still members. It's just a really special little corner of the internet where we support each other. And everyone inside has kids who are those more or extra kids. And we have moms, dads, other caregivers who aren't even moms or dads. We have people who have little kids. We have people who have big kids. And please do check it out. Again, sarahrosensweet.com/membership to get on the wait list right now. Be notified when the doors open next week and you reach out to me if you have any questions. Okay, let's meet Tasha. She's gonna introduce herself and give us a little bit of an overview on the best practices for aggression. And then we'll have some questions from my members. and I know you're gonna learn a lot from this.

If you have a friend who struggles with their children and aggression, please send this to your friend. This is really our best peaceful parenting go-to strategies for dealing with aggression. Let's meet my friend Tasha. [4:01] Hello everyone. In the peaceful parenting membership, I'm so excited to have Tasha Shore here with us today to talk to us about aggression. Welcome, Tasha. Thank you, thanks so much for inviting me on, it's fun. I know a lot of my members were really excited about having you on you're the peaceful parenting go-to person for aggression in this community. So I'm really happy to have you here and I know that everyone's really excited to learn from you and ask you some questions. Could you just give us a little introduction about who you are and what you do?

Yeah, absolutely. So like Sarah said, my name is Tasha Shore. I am the creator of all things parenting boys peacefully. That's my website, you might know me as the creator of the 10 Day Reconnect. If you've done that with me, it's a practice that I offer for free on my website. So you can go and check it out and that allows you to rebuild connection with your child. My focus is on boys, but I'm not gonna be talking specifically about boys today. And if I say boy this boy that just because that's what I'm doing [5:02] all the time, everything that I'm talking about is perfectly applicable to any child of any gender. but that is my focus, my mission is to create a more peaceful world, one sweet boy at a time.

And I do that by working with parents of young boys who are struggling mostly with aggression. So to be asked to talk about it in 20 minutes, it's pretty funny, but I'm going to do my best to give you a little, little taste. Just some highlights. Yeah. Oh, and also you may know me through hand in hand parenting because I have trained instructors and parenting, and I co-authored the book, Listen, Five Simple Tools to Meet your Everyday Parenting Challenges with Patty Whitfler, my mentor and the founder of Hand in Hand Parenting. So that's another another way that you may have a have a sense of who I am. All right, welcome, so glad to have you here. Okay, go for it. Life's work in 20 minutes. Okay, so Sarah asked me to come on and talk about why kids get aggressive and then what to do about it in 20 minutes. I've been doing this for like 20 years, so 20 minutes is short, but let me just [6:05] give you a taste.

So the first thing that I want you to know is that everything that we call a good behavior requires the ability to think flexibly, and offer our kids to behave in ways that we adults feel are, you know, appropriate, and that's a whole nother another conversation. But in order for them to behave in ways that we think are appropriate, they need to be able to flex with the situation, right, they need to be able to understand and sort of absorb the fact that no, you know, we can't stay longer at the playground right now because we have to go pick up your brother, right, even though they might want one thing, they need to be able to flex. Or even though we had planned to go on this vacation, actually, you know, grandma got sick, and we had to stay home. Doesn't mean they're not allowed to have feelings about it. But oftentimes, aggression will come out because there are so many feelings and they're not able to flex.

So in order for our kids to flex, they need to feel safe. And many of you, if you're in the peaceful parenting community, I'm sure you talk about [7:08] this. There's this part of our brain called the limbic system. That's really like a radar that is essentially always on and trying to make sure that we're safe. And it's not like a logical, it's not the logical thinking, prefrontal cortex part of our brain, right, it's emotionally based. So for example, like you might be in a meeting at work and somebody comes in wearing a perfume that is the same perfume that your grandma used to wear when you were a kid and you're sort of momentarily jettisoned back to that moment where you were curled up with her and that's a sweet memory and you felt safe and you feel sort of a connection to this person, if you will."

★ここまでの要約・日本語訳★

• Sarah Rosensweig hosts the Peaceful Parenting Podcast, aimed at ending yelling and power struggles by providing strategies to encourage kids to listen and cooperate.

サラ・ローゼンスヴァイグは、「平和な親としての育児」に関するポッドキャストを開催しており、子供たちが聞き分けよく協力的な行動をすぐに取ることを促す戦略を提供し、口論や力を競う行動を終わらせることを目指しています。

• In an episode, guest expert Tasha Shor, discussed aggression in children. The episode was a preview of Rosensweig's membership program, which rampantly addressed the topic of aggression.

エピソードでは、ゲストの専門家タシャ・ショアが子供の攻撃性について議論しました。このエピソードは、ローゼンスヴァイグのメンバーシッププログラムの一部で、攻撃性について深く議論しました。

• The Peaceful Parenting membership program only opens twice a year, and the next opening will be in the second week of April, with a waitlist available on the website.

「平和な親としての育児」のメンバーシッププログラムは年に2回だけ公開され、次回の開催は4月の第2週に予定されています。ウェブサイトで待機リストが利用可能です。

• Rosensweig's membership program has been operational for three years, with some members from its inception.

ローゼンスヴァイグのメンバーシッププログラムは3年間運営されており、一部のメンバーは開始当初から参加しています。

• Shor elaborates on why kids get aggressive, stating that such behavior rests on their ability to think flexibly and feel safe. When these elements are not present, aggression can arise.

ショアはなぜ子供たちが攻撃的になるのかを詳しく説明し、そのような行動は彼らの柔軟に考える能力と安全を感じることに基づいていると述べています。これらの要素が存在しない場合、攻撃性が生じることがあります。

★ここまでの特徴的な固有名詞・英単語・英語表現★
【固有名詞】

• Sarah Rosensweig（サラ・ローゼンスウェイグ）
• Peaceful Parenting Podcast（ピースフル・ペアレンティング・ポッドキャスト）
• Tasha Shor（ターシャ・ショア）
• April（エイプリル）
• SarahRosenSuite.com（サラローゼンスイート．コム）
• Wednesday, April 12th（水曜日、4月12日）
• Tuesday evening, April 18th（火曜日の夜、4月18日）
• sarahrosensweet.com/membership（サラローゼンスウィット．コム/メンバーシップ）
• 10 Day Reconnect（10日間の再接続）
• Hand in Hand Parenting（ハンドインハンド・ペアレンティング）
• Patty Whitfler（パティ・ウィットフラー）

【英単語】

• host（ホスト）
• cheerleader（応援者）
• aggression（攻撃）
• relationship（関係）
• struggle（闘争）
• membership（メンバーシップ）
• introduction（紹介）
• creator（創設者）
• cyber（インターネットの）
• caregivers（介護者）
• perfume（香水）
• flexibly（柔軟に）
• behavior（行動）

【英語フレーズ】

• I'm excited to be here with you today（今日ここに君たちと一緒にいられて、ワクワクしています）
• Let's dive into this week's conversation（今週の会話に早速飛び込みましょう）
• you can still go to the same link to sign up for the wait list（待ちリストに登録するために同じリンクに再び行くこともできます）
• You're really going to love this episode（あなたは本当にこのエピソードを愛するでしょう）
• rebuild connection with your child（あなたの子供とのつながりを再構築する）
• It's just a really special little corner of the internet（それは本当に特別なインターネットの小さな一角です）
• All right, welcome, so glad to have you here（いいですね、ようこそ、あなたをここに迎えることができてうれしいです）
• dealing with aggression（攻撃行動の対処）

"On the other hand, somebody might walk into that meeting who reminds you of, at first glance, it looks like somebody who hurt you in some way, and that jettisons you back to a negative space, right?

[8:11] So, you're reacting is my point, you're not responding, and your limbic system, when you see that person who looks like, you know, the person who, I don't know, I'm thinking of all these horrible things. I don't know, mugged you and took your wallet when you were getting into your car. I don't know, right, whatever, you are going to tighten up, you're gonna feel scared and you're not gonna be thinking clearly. You're gonna be in reaction mode.

So, this limbic system is a radar and in order for your child to feel safe, that radar needs to be going, oh, this, this, this person feels all right. Like, I'm good here. This teacher is cool. She likes me. This coach is good. She's, she's she's she sees me she gets where I'm struggling, right? Oh, my parent understands me. So it's it's checking for this. And when it doesn't feel that safety, it's very hard for the good behaviors to come out. And aggression will also well often come out as a result.

[9:13] I guess I can tell you a little short story. There was a client that I was working with and there's a client I was working with and her kid was having trouble in school. This may be something that familiar to you. He was getting in trouble at school, getting calls home and he would come home from school and she would try to sit and do homework with him and he would just be really off and he would throw the pencil and get really angry and not do the homework.

And she would fall into this place of shame, feeling ashamed and embarrassed herself because she's getting the calls home from school, she's aware that other people know that this is going on, and she was passing that shame on to him, right? Because she didn't know what else to do and she was just frustrated. And so she would say all the things that we say, you know, stop throwing that pencil. You know that's not okay to do.

Come sit here right now. You know, if you don't come do your homework right now then we are not going to have dessert. You're going to lose your screen time. All the things that we do. And the situation was just spiraling. So after we talked, and we talked about this sort of perspective him needing to feel like as Dan Siegel would say feel felt,

[10:15] right. So your child feels the sense that you've got their back. He's, you know, once we talked to we were able to get to a place where she understood that then she was able to respond very differently after school and, and meet him where he was. So and this is a real key piece, right?

Like, so often when our kids are struggling with aggression, we're so desperate for them to be over it already, that we're not willing to step in it with them. And I like to use this image as like, we're here. And our kid is here. And we're desperate for them to come over here with us. So we're standing here going, come here, like life is so much better over here, come on, when really what we need to do in order to get the results is to step over to where they are, and then move back together slowly and methodically.

Okay, so standing over here and yelling isn't gonna help. So anyway, back to the story, she she understood that she needed to meet him where he was. And she was able to rather than get all worked up about it and shaming about it,

[11:15] she was able to learn how to set limits in a really loving kind of a way around not letting him throw the pencil and when it was time to do homework. And what happened is that he did get really upset, but the upset came out in tears, right? So he had a huge cry, huge upset.

And then what came pouring out was how he felt that the teacher wasn't treating him fairly in class and how even other kids in the class agreed with him that she wasn't treating him fairly. And this was leading to a bunch of negative feelings and him not feeling good about himself. And the behavior is coming out in aggression.

Now he didn't say that last part, but if that mom hadn't taken the time to do do do come over here, meet him where he was. And you know in this case, set a loving limit around it's time to do homework and then not throwing the pencil and if she hadn't been able to do that, the tears wouldn't have come out.

Which is like it's like a stress release, right? You think about a time when you cried, like it's a stress release, you feel better, you can think better afterwards. We actually build

[12:16] intelligence by crying and getting the feelings out. So he was unable to offer information that he never, ever had been able to offer up until that point.

So, the why is really the why of aggression. And I like to say that aggression is fear and disguise. That's almost what it is. And you know, that's connected to the limbic system and the not feeling safe, right? If we are able to look at our child's aggression as fear and disguise, it's gonna be much easier for us to empathize with them and to move towards them to help bring them to a better place and to stay out of that place where we're much more likely to shame and to blame and to build resentment towards them because of the feelings that we're feeling and because of a sense of hopelessness.

Okay? So there are a few things that you need to understand in order to stop your child's aggression. One is what I just said, that like almost always aggression is born out of fear. So just sit with that and see if that can switch your mindset a little bit and allow you to have a bit more empathy

[13:17] for what your child might be going through. Because if you think about it, if a child is scared, of course we want to go help that child, right? I mean, you're not gonna get angry at a child punish a child who's scared, you're going to go help that child.

And aggression, aggressive child children acting with aggression is scared. So get that in your mind so that you can think about how can I move towards this child and help them? Another thing that you need to understand is that your child is doing the best that they can always.

And so what you have to learn to do is to advocate for that child despite their behaviors, it's not that because your child is aggressive, you know, you write them off. I don't mean to write them off, I'll like, you know, completely write them off, oh, obviously we're not doing that, but it's like, you're not on their side anymore.

No, it's just one way that they're showing us that they're struggling, that there's fear, that there's upset in there. You know, it's just, we can call it whatever we want. For whatever reason, like, you know, aggression is a harder one for many of us to deal with, but it's just one way for our child

[14:19] to show us that they're struggling. So if you can remember that that child is always doing the best that they can every single situation. And if the behavior is off, you know if the child is biting if the child is hitting or spitting or grabbing or scratching or all the things, you know throwing something, whatever.

That act of aggression is a call for help. And it is your duty as a parent, it is my duty as a parent to answer that call for help right it is our number one responsibility as a parent, I think to keep everybody safe and aggression is one of those situations.

And the third thing that it's really that's really important for you to understand, if you're going to help your child through aggression is that you're the perfect person to do it. Like there's actually nobody better to do it than you.

So oftentimes we get so scared and worried about aggression that we go out looking for a million different experts, right? I got people who come to me and they've got, you know, 50 different therapies and therapists, and all the things that 50 books piled up next to their bed, so many things, right?

And looking [15:21] outward and looking outward and looking outward. And what I really try to do is empower parents to take action yourself, right. Because we can't ultimately force anybody to do or not do anything, whether it's our child or anybody else, but we can absolutely change the way that we respond, the way that we show up.

Okay. So I want you to be really clear that you are the perfect person actually to help your child through the through the aggression, nobody else, you know that child better than anybody else, you love them more than anybody else. And ultimately nobody else wants the job, right? Like we're stuck with it. We're stuck with it. How are we doing on time? I think we're good."

★ここまでの要約・日本語訳★
• The speaker discussed the limbic system's effect on behavior, explaining that if a person's "radar", or sense of safety, is disrupted, they can react harshly or with fear. This is especially important for a child's behavior, as they often respond aggressively when they don't feel safe.
（講師は大脳辺縁系の行動への影響について議論しました。その人の「レーダー」、つまり安全感が乱れると、その人は厳しくあるいは恐れをもって反応することがあります。これは特に子供の行動にとって重要で、彼らは安全を感じないときによく攻撃的に反応します。）

• The speaker told a story about handling a child's disruptive behaviors at school and at home. The main point was the significant difference when the mother changed her approach and took the time to understand the child's emotions instead of reacting negatively.
（講師は、学校や家庭での子供の乱れた行動を取り扱う話をしました。主なポイントは、母親が反応を否定的から良い方向に変え、子供の感情を理解するために時間をかけたときに起きた大きな変化でした。）

• According to the speaker, aggression is almost always born out of fear. Recognizing this can help parents empathize with their children's struggles and approach them in a supportive manner.
（講師によれば、攻撃性はほとんど常に恐怖から生まれます。これを認識することで、親は子供たちの闘争を共感し、サポートする方法で接することができます。）

• The speaker emphasized that children acting out violently are often doing their best in their circumstances. These behaviors should be seen as a call for help, so parents should strive to understand their children's struggles and show continued support.
（講師は、暴力的に振舞う子供たちはしばしば自分たちの状況で最善を尽くしていると強調しました。これらの行動は助けを求める信号として見るべきで、親は子供たちの苦闘を理解し、継続的な支援を示すよう努めるべきです。）

• Finally, the speaker reassured the audience that they are the best people to help their children when they struggle. Parents are encouraged to be confident in their abilities to support their children.
（最後に、講師は親が子供たちが苦闘しているときに最適な人物であることを聞き手に保証しました。親は、子供たちの支援に自信を持つよう勧めます。）

★ここまでの特徴的な固有名詞・英単語・英語表現★
【固有名詞】

• Dan Siegel（ダン・シーゲル）

【英単語】

• remind（思い出させる）
• jettison（放棄する）
• negative space（ネガティブスペース）
• react（反応する）
• respond（応答する）
• limbic system（辺縁系）
• spiraling（螺旋状に進行する）
• aggression（侵略）
• fear（恐怖）
• disguise（変装）
• empathize（共感する）
• resentment（憤慨）
• punish（罰する）
• advocate（主張する）
• struggle（努力する）

【英語フレーズ】

• at first glance（一見）
• hurt you in some way（何かしらであなたを痛めつける）
• you are not responding（あなたは反応していない）
• feels the sense（感覚をもつ）
• got their back（支えている）
• is born out of fear（恐怖から生まれる）
• acting with aggression（攻撃的に振る舞う）
• doing the best they can（最善を尽くしている）
• answer the call for help（助けの要請に応じる）
• change the way we respond（私たちが反応する方法を変える）

"If you want, if you have some more things to say, I just want to add to what you said about the fear response, just to put it in language that my people have heard me talking about before. It's that autonomic nervous system response of the Olympic system that you're talking about. It's the fight of the fight, flight, or freeze. Some people can't understand how, having to turn off the iPad can register danger.

[16:22]
Or that, and provoke that fight response. But from what I understand, a child's own uncomfortable or overwhelming feelings register as danger or a threat. Right. Just a little bit further on that, the fear thing, I think that's really important to remember. Yeah. The aggression is the fight.

Okay, I’d like to do real quick is share five things that I've identified as really common mistakes that we make when we're trying to end our child's aggression, or trying to help them stop it, and they ultimately get in your way. One of the things that I find is that we can stop doing things. The first step to helping your child stop the aggressive behaviors is to stop doing things that aren't working, and to stop doing things that are piling on the hurts and the upsets that are ultimately driving the behaviors, right? So before we start adding practices that are gonna help things get better, let's stop doing the things that are making it worse.

[17:23]
So here are the five things that, and we're not going to go into depth just because of the time, but the five things that I would call the most common mistakes that we make in our quest to end aggression are the following. One is to hope that it's gonna go away on its own. Aggression, if you're here, you probably have a kid whose aggression is probably not going to go away on its own. If you had a kid who hit once or twice or went through a month of a phase where they were hitting a little bit and it went away, you probably wouldn't be here. So let's stop hoping and praying it's gonna go away on its own because there's lots we can do to help. Two, we take away positive bits of connection, like to punish or to teach a lesson. So things like, if you hit your sister one more time, we're not going to the park. Taking away those little bits of connection is exactly the opposite of what we need to be doing. They need more of that, not less of that. So if you don't know what to do instead, just stop the threats for now. Even if you're just standing there feeling like, I don't know what to say.

[18:25]
That's better than threatening and actually taking away the connection because they need more connection with you, not less connection with you. The third mistake that we make is isolating the child. The most traditional form of doing that is a time out, sending our child away. We can get subtle with the way that we do that, right? Especially those of us in the peaceful parenting community, Oh, we don't do timeouts. And we're pretty good at finding other little subtle ways of isolating our children. So we don't wanna isolate them. And as I said at the beginning, my mission is to create a more peaceful world one sweet boy at a time. And I feel particularly passionate about this with boys because sending a message to our boys that when things are hard, you need to figure it out on your own is getting us nowhere. It's putting us in very dangerous and precarious places, as a society and in our world. We wanna be sending our message to everybody, you know,

[19:25]
Again, like I'm talking about voice, but to everybody that it is brave to ask for help. I am here for you. When things are hard, I'm here for you. Everybody, when I'm on my A game and I've got, you know, my hair is all looking good and I'm doing what I love to do and things are going well, like yeah, everybody loves me, great, but what about when I'm falling apart and things are a mess, and I make a mistake and who's got my back then, right? Those are my people. And we need to be that person for our child, not isolating them. Remember that behavior, the aggression is a call for help. So we need to be answering that call for help, not pushing them away when they're asking for help, even though the ask isn't the very nice way to be asked. I get that. The fourth mistake that many of us will make, all of us make, I should say, is that we talk too much. We try to talk it out of them. And this is huge in the peaceful parenting community.

[20:27]
Well, I know I speak to him really nicely. I'm respectful and all the things. Great. Is it working? No. That's why you're here. My care with my child is not working. If the peaceful practices aren't working, I'm a fan of letting things go when they're not working. So if you're just talking and talking and you're turning blue because you're talking and talking and the behavior is not shifting, I would focus more on listening and less on talking. Your presence in and of itself, meeting that child where they are is going to have a much bigger effect and a much more positive effect than trying to convince your child to either Like if I'm feeling a certain way, if I'm sad, there's nobody who's going to convince me to not feel sad. Like that's just where I am in that moment. It will pass, but there's nothing you're going to say to me that's going to make me unsad. It's just a feeling, like I get to have my feelings. Feelings are neutral. Feelings are important. Feelings make us human.

[21:27]
And then the fifth mistake is that we isolate ourselves. You are not doing this. You are in Sarah's community. You have one another and this is a good thing. If you're in that community but you're not sharing, let's say how hard it really is, that's a mistake. We need to be really open and honest about how challenging things are in our homes and what things look like with our child and how we're feeling about it because it will not only help us to make the change that we need to help but it will break the isolation that other parents feel that they're also alone. One of the things I do is teach a course on aggression. And I think the biggest relief for everybody is to be in a room, Zoom room, with all these other people, tons of other people, who are all struggling in a similar way and they go, oh my God, my kid is not the only one who hits me when he gets upset. I'm not the only one who completely loses it when he does that. It's a relief to know you're not alone.

[22:29]
And it's not about Misery Loves Company. It's about being able to relax and know that you're not some, you know, weird sort of outside the box. Something's really off with you and your family thing. And instead it's like, okay, we can actually do this. If he can figure this out, I can figure this out. If she can figure this out, I can figure this out. And we can support each other in that. So, I'll just say, Sarah, I know we're probably like way over time, are we way over time? You did like it, that's exactly 20 minutes. It's impressive. Okay. So, maybe we just go into questions then rather than going into, you know, practices for stopping the aggression, because that's just gonna come out in the questions anyway.

Sounds perfect, so if you have a question, raise your hand and I'm gonna start it off with a question from Beth, who couldn't be here today. And I'm actually very personally, well not personally, professionally interested in your answer Tasha, It's something that stumps me a little bit. She has an eight-year-old son and she said his first reaction and it's been going on for a long, long time. His first reaction when he gets upset is to yell and hit even if it's just something as simple as his sister making a face at him.

[23:37]
I've seen a lot of this at home, but I haven't received any feedback from his teachers that they're seeing it at school. Although there have been a few incidents that she's heard about. I feel that I've tried a lot of things over the years and it hasn't gotten better yet. I've practiced peaceful parenting for a while now so I've tried a lot of different things. I don't generally yell or punish when he does hit, although I have to admit that recently I've slipped with the yelling as we're losing our patience with the hitting. I try to empathize with him and his anger and aggression, and we talk through other things he can do when he gets angry instead of hitting, such as breathing, walking away, hugging himself, telling us with words how he's feeling."

★ここまでの要約・日本語訳★

• The speaker discussed about children's fear response manifesting as aggression, and how it should be perceived as a call for help rather than a threat.
• 五つの共通の間違いを共有し、それらが子どもの攻撃性を終わらせる試みを妨げる方法を明らかにしました。まず１つ目は、問題が自然に消えることを期待すること、2つ目は子供とのつながりを断つこと、3つ目は子供を孤立させること、4つ目は話しすぎること、5つ目は自分自身を孤立させることでした。
• The speaker encouraged parents to stop practices that are exacerbating the aggression, to connect more with their children instead of isolating them, to listen more instead of talking, and to seek community support instead of isolating themselves.
• 講演者は、攻撃性を増幅させる行動をやめ、子供を孤立させるのではなく彼らとのつながりを増やし、話すのではなくもっと聞き、自己孤立ではなく共同体に求めることを勧めました。
• An audience member then asked about their situation with their 8-year-old son who regularly responds with aggression when upset; the speaker suggested potential solutions throughout the discussion.
• ディスカッションの中で、聴衆の一人が自分の8歳の息子の状況について質問し、その息子が怒ると常に攻撃的に反応する問題について、講演者は可能性ある解決策を示しました。

★ここまでの特徴的な固有名詞・英単語・英語表現★
【固有名詞】

• Sarah（サラ）
• Tasha（ターシャ）

【英単語】

• response（反応）
• aggression（攻撃性）
• behavior（行動）
• isolate（分離する）
• feelings（感情）

【英語フレーズ】

• turn off（消す）
• in your way（邪魔になる）
• stop doing things（仕事を止める）
• look at it from another angle（別の角度から見る）
• fight, flight, or freeze（戦う、逃げる、固まる）
• on my A game（ベストな状態で）
• make a mistake（間違いをする）
• talking about before（以前話していた）
• get in your way（邪魔する）
• on its own（自分で）
• falling apart（バラバラになる）
• have my back（私をサポートする）
• hope and pray（祈る）

"We've tried using a calm button in the past, but that didn't seem to work for him. He always willingly participates in this exercise and usually says he will try to breathe or walk away next time, but he never does. He just hits out again the next time. It seems like it's such a strong impulse for him, and I don't know how to break the habit. It usually happens so quickly that we don't have time to step in before it happens.

[24:38]
If he's really upset, he gets totally hijacked and will say that the person deserves it and that he wants to hurt them, and will sometimes chase to keep hitting after I've seemingly calmed him down. Okay, first of all, I wanna say that I hear this all the time. There's nothing unusual about what this person said. And I think probably you can refer back to a lot of what I was just talking about. Like I was thinking, right, you know, the things that she's trying are higher brain functions, right. And we're gonna talk about it and we're gonna practice doing this exercise, breathing exercise so that when you get upset things don't go your way or somebody looks at you a certain way, you're gonna breathe instead of yell or whatever, but it's not working because his system in that moment is not feeling safe for whatever reason. And we can't talk him out of it. And we can't sort of plan out of it. Another thing that I noted is that she was saying that she can't get there fast enough to stop it.

[25:40]
This is also something that I think you can, not always, but mostly. And one thing that's gonna really help is if you take some time to track the aggression and when it happens. You know, I've been doing this for a gazillion years and I have yet to find anybody who can't find a pattern to the aggression. So, because when we know, because when we're in this place of, Oh my God, I can't get there on time it just happens out of the blue and whatever, we're kind of in a victory place of a place of helplessness where we don't feel empowered and we're kind of like throwing up our arms, I don't know. Actually, it might be when he comes home from school, because apparently he's holding it together at school, right? We're not getting calls home from school. It might be when if there's another parent, maybe a parent is away and comes back. It might be only with the sibling and only when they're alone, it might be before dinner, when he's hungry, like, I don't know. There's a million things that it could be, but I really want to encourage this parent and all of you, if you're feeling like it's just, it happens out of the blue, it happens all the time, the kinds of things I hear. Track it, take a week and pay attention to when the aggression is happening, so that you can be ready to stop it before it starts. Because another thing that I want to say is that our kids never want to hurt us. They really don't want to hurt us. And when they quote-unquote succeed, more hurt sets in. And that sets off more aggressive behavior. Right?

[26:41]
So like I have you can't see here, but I have like the scar on my arm right here from one of my hard, you know. I hide behind the computer, and I was like, oh, gone. I was like, oh, my God, I think so guys, sorry. So I hid behind the computer and I was like, Oh, my God, there's nothing there. And then, and then I'll say, I know, like, okay, that's not a good idea. Yeah. And so he said, it's actually really nice. But then I don't want to say this. But even if we don't plan the future, like for a little bit, like, like, I'm not asking you to plan the future. I'm asking you guys to plan the future. And he said, I love that. You

[27:41]
that or that my life is over because I have a scar on my arm. But I most of the time I was able to catch it. And that was important. Because if he were had been successful with the hits and the kicks and all the things, like I said, more hurt sets in, he feels worse about himself. And then the aggression kind of goes on and on. So I wanted to address those things. In terms of in the moment the trick is really to like I said, get a sense of when it's happening, be ready for it, and then be able to set loving limits. You can do that playfully. You could do actually in our book, listen to me talk about the vigorous snuggle, which I really love. Sometimes this works. It depends on your child. It depends on the age and it depends sort of on the intensity of the aggression. Sometimes play doesn't work with aggression and it's for like putting a fuel on the fire, but I have kind of a feeling like with this kid that it might work. And what that looks like would be something like, what did he do? He yelled. His sister made a face at him, looked at him the wrong way. Right. His sister made a face at him, and so he yelled or something.

[28:44]
Right. And so it would look like me coming in as the parent and sort of with the glee in my eye saying, Do you know what happens to little boys who yell at their sisters when they look at them like that? And it's like a goofy sort of a thing. And then you do something goofy, like, you know, they get their ears licked or they get their elbows nibbled or something. And so it's just something goofy that our hope is will bring laughter, because just like I earlier talked about how the tears are a way for the emotions to come out, laughter also, laughter releases fear, right? You think about the expression, nervous-laughter. That's for real. So if we can, if we can use play strategically, like with this vigorous snuggle and come in and get the laughter going, his limbic system will relax. He will sense the safety and he will be able to shift into his thinking brain and behave more appropriately. Do you see what I mean? How would you respond to the revenge question where,

[29:44]
you know, she said that he seems to be calm, but then he'll go after somebody again because he thinks they deserve it or he wants to get them? Right. So I don't believe that, I mean go back to what we talked about earlier, that he's doing the best he can always. He also never wants to hurt anybody. My take on that is this, we as a society, a world society, are way too, this is gonna be controversial, but this is my opinion, are way too, how do I say it? Influenced by what our kids say when their behaviors are showing us something different. So I don't take these things personally or seriously, when a child's brain, like okay, Dan Siegel talks about flipping your lit, right? So you've got your limbic system in here, as your thumb folded in, and then your prefrontal cortex up here, and essentially, your upstairs brain here and your downstairs brain need to be talking to each other like this so that you can function well. And when your child has literally flipped their lid and they're not functioning well,

[30:45]
they're running on emotion here. There's nobody home, right? There's nobody home. And so they're doing insane things and they're literally out of their mind. So we don't need to be like engaging in academic conversations with our kids when their lids are flipped. I'm not worried if he says, I really want to hurt you. Well, I mean, have you ever been angry enough that you felt like you wanted to hurt somebody? I have, I didn't do it. I'm an adult, and I have a fully developed brain and self control, but that feeling, I know that feeling that I hate some, I feel like I hate somebody so much in that moment. And that might be, that somebody might be somebody who I'm married to. That somebody might be somebody who I really actually love. Are you gonna listen to those words? know, like that's a heated moment. Our job in that moment is to become a really good listener, to not take it personally. And to help them through the best way to help them through it is by listening and not taking it personally and not being scared.

[31:45]
You know, you can be thinking to yourself, oh, there are those words again. And if it helps, you know, I know, I know he doesn't mean that. Just saying to yourself kind of a thing. Okay. So well, I think that's all great. And I'm sure it's going to be really helpful and follow-up question, because this is just something I hear a lot, I don't know if this is what this mom would say but I do hear this from other people that it's a lot easier to do all of this with a small child than with a child who might be eight and getting a lot bigger. And I've heard a lot of parents say and I'm never quite sure how to respond but that they actually are afraid of getting physically hurt by their larger child. What do you recommend in that case where there is like, you know, it's not a three-year-old wailing on you that doesn't really hurt. But it's like an eight or a nine-year-old who might be actually able to hurt you. Yeah."

★ここまでの要約・日本語訳★

• The text discusses how to deal with a child who often falls into fits of aggression, with the inability to calm or regulate, despite trying various methods including breathing exercises. Despite the child promising to change their behavior, they inevitably revert back to aggression due to a strong impulse, and the adult cannot intervene quickly enough.

【テキストは、多くの異なる方法、たとえば呼吸エクササイズを試してみても、自己を制御または静めることができない子どもをどのように扱うべきかについて議論しています。子どもは行動を変えると約束しますが、強い衝動により、必然的に攻撃に戻り、大人は十分に早く介入することができません。】

• To understand the patterns of the child's aggression, the text suggests tracking when the aggressive episodes occur, which could help in preventing such incidents by intervening earlier. It is recommended that parents observe when and why these incidents might be happening: after school, when a parent is absent and returns home, before dinner, etc.

【子どもの攻撃的な行動のパターンを理解するために、テキストは、攻撃的なエピソードが発生するタイミングを追跡することを提案しています。これにより、もっと早く介入することで、このような事件を防ぐことができるかもしれません。親はこれらの事故がいつ、なぜ発生するかを観察することが推奨されています：学校の後、親が不在で帰宅したとき、夕食前など。】

• It is also discussed that children do not generally wish to hurt others, despite their aggressive behavior, and when they do, it leads to further aggression due to an increase in bad feelings about themselves. One approach to intervene is to set loving limits and engage in playful interactions, potentially bringing laughter and releasing fear.

【また、子どもたちは一般的には、攻撃的な行動を取るにもかかわらず他人を傷つけたいとは思っておらず、彼らがそうすると、自身に関する悪い感情が増加するためにさらなる攻撃につながると議論されています。介入する1つのアプローチは、愛する限りを設定し、遊び心のある相互作用に参加することで、笑いを引き出し、恐怖を解放することが可能です。】

• The text brings up the possibility of the child's aggressive statements of intent to harm being more expressive in nature rather than being a real threat, especially when the child is in an emotionally charged state. The suggestion is not to take these statements seriously but to face them with understanding, helping the child through this phase.

【テキストは、子どもが害を与えるつもりだという攻撃的な発言が、特に子どもが感情的に興奮した状態にあるときには、実際の脅威であるよりも表現的な性質を持っている可能性を取り上げています。これらの声明を真剣に取るのではなく、理解して対応し、このフェーズを通じて子供を助けることが提案されています。】

• The difficulty of dealing with an older, physically stronger child's aggression is also mentioned. The advice provided is to intervene when signs of aggression are observed, but clear guidelines or solutions for this scenario are not provided within the text.

【年長で身体的に強い子供の攻撃性を扱う難しさも言及されています。提供されたアドバイスは、攻撃性の兆候が観察されたときに介入することですが、このシナリオに対する明確なガイドラインや解決策はテキスト内に提供されていません。】

★ここまでの特徴的な固有名詞・英単語・英語表現★
【固有名詞】

• Dan Siegel（ダン・シーゲル）

【英単語】

• calm button（落ち着きボタン）
• impulse（衝動）
• aggression（攻撃性）
• hijacked（ハイジャック）
• unusual（異常）
• vigorous snuggle（活発な抱擁）
• elbows（肘）
• nervous-laughter（神経性の笑い）
• limbic system（辺縁系）
• revenge（復讐）
• controversial（物議を醸す）
• lid（蓋）
• emotion（感情）
• academic conversations（学術的な会話）
• self control（自己制御）

【英語フレーズ】

• take some time（時間をかける）
• track the aggression（攻撃性を追跡する）
• holding it together（まとまっている）
• pay attention to（〜に注意を払う）
• set loving limits（愛情溢れる制限を設ける）
• releases fear（恐怖を解放）
• sense the safety（安全性を感じる）
• take it personally（個人的に受け取る）
• follow-up question（追跡質問）
• be afraid of getting hurt（傷つくのを恐れる）

"So, a couple of things. One, do this work now; it's never too late. I don't care if your kid is five, or eight, or 13. Like, it's only going to get worse if we don't help it get better. Right?

[32:45]

It's sort of like, you know, the stock market right now. Well, I guess the stock market right now isn't a good example, but essentially what I'm trying to say is it would have been better to invest 20 years ago. Ten years ago would have been better than now. But, today is better than next week, especially with a stock market. But you know what I mean. So, it's not too late. You can do it.

Oh, and by the way, just so you know, I'm teaching this course right now, this regression course. The number one thing that people said when they came in was like, 'I was thinking about doing this last year, or the year before.' This one woman said, 'I've been looking at this for five years.' So I'm thinking to myself, why are you looking at this for five years? Because now your kid is 10 instead of five, right? We need to address it now. Don't wait.

The other thing I would say is work on your feelings of fear because it is really important for us to be able to show up. Your child is scared, right? Remember that's what the aggression is. There's fear in there.

[33:45]

So when you're scared, just imagine if you're on a plane and there's turbulence, and you're terrified of flying like me, and the pilot got on the, you know, the pilot or the flight attendant, was also scared. I mean, I don't know about you, but I spend a lot of time on flights looking at flight attendants to make sure that they're calm, right? If they look scared, then I'm even more scared. Now there's no real threat. Flying is way safer than driving. And I do that all the time. But I have an irrational fear and I'm scared and I'm looking for somebody to borrow their brain so that I can calm myself just to get through the flight fairly simply.

Right. So it's the same thing with our child. He or she, they're scared, they're scared. And they need us to reflect back the message of, you know, 'I see you're scared.' Not to say these words out loud.

[34:48]

I'm not a fan of that. But, the message is, 'We're gonna get through this. We're gonna get through this. Like, I can handle this. I'm not afraid of you.' So if you are scared, you need to deal with that however you can.

In our book, we talk about listening partnerships. That's a practice that I use to work through my fears. I have no idea how to get over fear of flying, I haven't figured that one out yet. But you know, there, you go to your therapist and everybody's got their things, I don't know, whatever, but you can't skip that step, you have to figure out how to realize that. Okay, yes, your kid's eight, he's not five anymore. You're still 40, or whatever you are, you're still physically bigger than him and your brain is way more developed than his, you have a ton more life experience than he does. So what I find 99.9% of the time is that fear is irrational fear. It's based in something else. It's based in our past fears.

[35:50]

And I will say this also is that if it's a woman and oftentimes I see this, it's not only with women, but this is a pattern that I observe. A lot of women in particular have histories of physical violence that was perpetrated against them by a man. Again, this is a generalization, it's not always as true. I know that men are also affected by this, and there are also women who are abusive.

But if this is a pattern that I see and it can be true for you, just note like, is this fear about my eight year old boy, or is this fear a fear like the perfume I talked about at the beginning? Am I being triggered? And is this fear about something else that I've already survived? Because yeah, he's eight.

[36:51]

I mean, people say this to me. It doesn't matter what age they are. People say this to me all the time, 'He's three, but he's really big. He's four, but he's super strong. He's eight, right?' It doesn't matter. People say this to me all the time. And I'm like, 'I get it. But that fear is a feeling. If you saw somebody else's four-year-old or eight-year-old, it wouldn't be so scary.' So we have to do that. And then we do have to physically protect ourselves, you know, as well.

We do have to physically protect ourselves. But I think we're much more able to do that than we think we are. So it goes back to that planning. You know, if you have a kid who bites, for example, and you realize, okay, he tends to bite when I ask him to get off his iPad or whatever, and come to dinner, like every time it happens every day. And so instead of hoping and wishing (which is one of those mistakes I've talked about) that it's going to get better, you need to finally be honest with yourself.

[37:57]

And you need to say, 'Okay, well, yesterday I asked him to get off the iPad and come to dinner, and he bit me. The day before the same thing happened. The day before the same thing happened and the day before that too. Maybe today the same thing is going to happen unless I do something different.'

So, just in terms of protecting yourself, I mean, this might sound silly, but what would happen if you, when you went to tell him to get off the iPad, wore three shirts, a sweatshirt and a jacket, on like the Michelin man or something. And you went in. So when he bit, it didn't hurt your arm. Because if it doesn't hurt you, then it's much easier to see the fear and that he is calling for help, that he's struggling and to meet him where he is. There are tricks like this.

Is it ever okay to put a door between yourself and your larger child, and you're on the other side of it? Absolutely. In fact, I think it's necessary if the choice is you're going to get hurt or you're going to hurt your child, then absolutely, let's be on the other side of the door.

[38:59]

I'd rather that, you know, even if glass was thrown, than you got hurt. So yes, it's a step in the right direction, but when you're on the other side of that door, I want to be clear, it's not about isolating that child or being angry or shaming them, it's about going on the other side of the door to protect yourself. And you need to be able to say something like, 'I'm here' in a calm voice, or 'we're gonna get through this.'

Do not do this thing that everybody tells you to do, which is name how they're feeling. I don't know about you, but if I am in a bad mood, and I'm upset about something, and somebody says, 'Oh, I'm sorry you're so angry.' And I'm not angry, but I'm disappointed or I'm sad or whatever. If they say the wrong word, it's like fire coming out of my ears. It's like, now I'm not only upset about whatever it was that I was upset about, but I'm also upset that you're trying to pretend that you know how I'm feeling. Because you don't know how I'm feeling. You are you, and I am me. So that's why, I hate that.

[40:00]

I love that you said that, because I've always said like, I'm not a big fan of the 'name it to tame it' or naming the emotions. Yeah, and to be clear, I think it's important to teach emotional intelligence, but I think it's a much shorter path of a teaching path to listen and allow the feelings to come out. Because kids know, they have an innate sense of justice. They know right from wrong. But I do think it's good to teach through, you know, you can read books about emotion, you can talk about feelings.

You can, by the way, model, right? So you could say, when you come home from work and you're just in a grumpy mood and it's coming out, you know, you're slamming this down and whatever. And you know, you might just stop for a second and say, 'Oh my gosh, I'm feeling really angry about something somebody said to me. Yeah, this isn't about you. I just have all this anger right now. I'm feeling angry, right? This is what it looks like. This is what it feels like inside. I feel like there's a knot in my stomach. I feel like I want to do something mean to that person.' Right? But you're not. It's okay.

All those things are good. But in the heat of the moment trying to name your kid's feelings, I don't think that's a good idea. I see Mark and Jessica each have a question. So Mark, do you want to unmute yourself and ask Tasha your question? Yes. Hi, thanks. Tasha, thank you very much for your talk. I found it very valuable, especially the vigorous kind of snippets of your play. I'm really going to try that. I've been actually saying to myself that I don't think my son laughs enough."

★ここまでの要約・日本語訳★

• Address your child's issues immediately, no matter their age. It is never too late. 成長する子どもの問題には直ちに対処すべきです。子どもの年齢に関わらず、手遅れになることはありません。
• Work on personal fears and emotions to effectively guide and comfort your child. 自分自身の恐怖や感情に対処することで、子どもを効果的に導き、慰めることができます。
• Practice listening partnerships to cope with individual fears and enable better understanding of a child's emotions. リスニングパートナーを実践し、個々の恐怖に対処し、子どもの感情をよりよく理解することが可能になります。
• Physical protection must be considered when dealing with aggressive behavior; however, strive to communicate reassurance to the child. 攻撃的な行動に対応する際は自己防衛を考える必要がありますが、子どもに安心感を伝える努力をすべきです。
• Avoid naming your child's feelings; instead, listen and let the feelings naturally come forward. 子どもの感情を名指しするのではなく、子どもを聞くことで感情が自然に表に出るようにしましょう。

★ここまでの特徴的な固有名詞・英単語・英語表現★
【固有名詞】

• Michelin man（ミシュランマン）

【英単語】

• regression（後退）
• aggression（攻撃性）
• turbulence（乱気流）
• irrational（非合理的）
• attendant（アテンダント）
• therapy（治療）
• generalization（一般化）
• protect（保護する）
• reflection（反射）
• bite（かむ）

【英語フレーズ】

• it's never too late（遅すぎることはない）
• It's only going to get worse if we don't help it get better（私たちがそれを改善する手助けをしない限り、それだけ悪化するだけだ）
• it's not too late（まだ遅くない）
• work on your feelings of fear（恐怖感に取り組む）
• deal with that however you can（できる限り対処する）
• reflect back the message of（メッセージを反射する）
• You're still physically bigger than him（あなたはまだ彼より体が大きい）
• is this fear about my eight year old boy, or is this fear a fear like the perfume（これは私の8歳の男の子についての恐怖なのか、それとも香水のような恐怖なのか）
• when you're on the other side of that door（あなたがそのドアの反対側にいるとき）
• you know, even if glass was thrown, than you got hurt（あなたが怪我をしたのなら、ガラスが投げられたとしても）
• We're gonna get through this（私たちがこれを乗り越える）
• it's like fire coming out of my ears（耳から火が出るようだ）
• name it to tame it（それに名前をつけて操る）
• teach emotional intelligence（感情知能を教える）
• listen and allow the feelings to come out（聞いて感情を出すことを許す）
• model, right（モデル、右）
• feeling angry（怒りを感じる）
• I don't think that's a good idea（それは良い考えではないと思う）

[41:00]
We're just kind of like stuck in a routine of going to school, going home, eating dinner, bath, bedtime story, you know, and sometimes not enough time to play, to laugh. So, I'm really digging on that. I don't know if you know, lick the ears and nibble the elbows, great stuff. I want to try that. I actually have two things on aggression. I think that they're related, but they're two separate things. One is civil rivaling. My oldest son who's five, hits his youngest son, who is almost three. And then there's the other things, like maybe it's time to go to bed or like this morning we were playing with my wife. She was trying to fix his Lego and it broke, and he flipped out and he starts kind of like flipping tables and flipping his dish. So two separate kind of things. I have seen him make some progress in hitting his brother. I've really kind of like really resonated and deeply, I really see it deeply now that he's hitting his brother because he's scared of not getting attention from us, I think so that has really kind of helped me to really understand it more. I guess that I've noticed some improvement. I still kind of say, I'm

[42:04]
definitely not yelling as much as I used to. And I usually say, "Niko, please don't hit your brother." And we tried to learn from that. But the other thing about when he's like throwing things or clearing the table or flipping his dish like this morning, I wasn't there when it happened. But I confirmed with my wife, is he mad because his Lego broke? So I took him into the room and I stayed calm. I was very calm. I'm trying to give my calmness to him in closest. I got him on bed and I'm talking to him and I'm trying to understand and I'm also trying to acknowledge his feelings and I says, "When I was a kid, I had toys and they broke too, I know exactly how it feels, I'm sorry, I'm sorry it happened." I didn't feel like that I could put traction with him at all. I wonder if you have anything to say about that because I'm trying to do what I think is the right thing. And also a last thing is you mentioned lovable limits. We used to, before my peaceful parenting journey, we used to take toys away, we don't do that anymore. So, you know, he can throw toys, he can do things

[43:05]
and, you know, we won't take it away anymore. But like say, if we set a loving limit and he breaks it, how do we enforce it? I know there's a lot there. I'm sorry, and I know we have no time. Okay, that was like 50 questions, Mark. Let's see what I can do. Let's see how good my memory is, which I don't think it's that good right now, but I'm gonna try. Sorry. No, no, that's good. So I mean, this is all things I hear all the time just so you know you're far from alone. So let's first look at the sibling hitting. So again, like you know, hearkening back to my scar, like we need to not let that happen. So I want you to really spend some time noticing when it happens. It would be good to take a day or two or three to notice when when are the sweet moments between them because we forget that those exist too and we don't notice those. And also, just jot down, when does that tend to happen so that you can be prepared? And then when it happens, the loving limits are about bringing a limit. In other words, a loving limit is not about saying, don't hit your brother.

[44:08]
We already know that doesn't work, right? A loving limit is about noticing, okay, well, this happens when I'm preparing dinner and they're in the other room. So I'm gonna do an experiment. And this week, I'm going to prepare dinners on Sunday for a week experiment. You don't have to do this thing for the rest of your life. I'm going to prepare dinners on Sunday. And I'm just going to stick it in the oven each night so that I'm not leaving them alone at this time when this tends to happen. And then when the things about to happen, you can actually physically insert yourself between them. That is a limit. You are bringing a limit. You're like, you're preventing the hitting from happening because you're physically in between. Do you understand? If you see he's about to hit, you're getting in there and you can, you know, you can grab him. You can give him a big old hug and you can be really light about it. And all you need to say is, "Oh, I can't wait to hit your brother. Can't wait to hit your brother, sweet boy." And you just grab him up in a little bear hug. And now he might fight you, right?

[45:09]
That's okay. He can fight. He can yell. No, leave me alone, whatever, you know, you let him go. And then if he runs towards his brother and hits him, you grab him again. You're ready. So there's a physical part to this as well that no one ever wants to talk about, but that's just the reality, okay. And we don't, one thing I wanna be really clear about is that I never want you to touch your child if you're even a little bit angry, okay. This is from a place of I see that your lid is flipped. I see that you're struggling. I have empathy towards you because I see there's fear driving this. I get that you're wanting more of our attention. It's from that empathetic place. But the limits are firm, right? I can't let you hit your brother, sweet boy. But you grab him up. You can also use that vigorous snuggle in there. "Oh, do you know what happens to little boys who try to hit their brother? You know, they get chased around the house. Five is a perfect age for that. They get their toenails painted." I don't know, whatever. You just get goofy. Things you know would make him laugh. Does this make sense?

[46:09]
Absolutely, yes. Okay, and so also, I thought, Marta, it was really interesting that you were able to identify that you feel like he's wanting more of your attention. And so my 10 day reconnect, I referred to at the beginning of this call is exactly that. It walks you through a practice of what we teach in the book called special time, which is a one on one to, you know, to do with each of your kids. I highly recommend it. It's different than regular one on one time in that they get set for a lot of reasons. But one is that they get to lead. Like they do whatever they want, you set a timer for a few minutes, and you get that uninterrupted time, and you're not distracted doing other things. So you might just have a look at that or grab a book or whatever, but just practice or just start doing it. Just start giving him five minutes a day before bedtime where he gets his special time and your wife is with the other child, you can each do special time with one and just pour in that connection.

[47:11]
It's like filling, filling an empty cup, right? He's not feeling like he's getting enough of you. And another thing that I would say is about is to up the play. Up the physical play. So you mentioned that there's not, not much laughter going on. There's a fear. It sounds like you have sort of a traditional, like people are working all day, you're coming back and back to dinner and all that stuff. There is, I think a myth that kids need to wind down before bed. Like I see actually kids do really well know, when they're most connected before they go to sleep. And oftentimes being really connected comes as a result of some kind of vigorous play, like rough-and-tumble play. So, it could be, you know, jumping on the bed together, or having a pillow fight, or chasing around the house, or hide and seek, or something like that. I get that kids get ramped up. Oftentimes, you know, a toe will get stubbed, or something will happen, and they'll be in upset. I don't want us to be afraid of that. I'm not saying, like, you know, play chase because I want your toe to get hurt. That's not what I'm saying. But like, don't not play because you're worried

[48:13]
about little things happening. It's an opportunity for sort of all the stresses of life to come out in those tears. And he will feel more connected after that rough and tumble play. And if there's an upset, even after the upset, he will probably be able to go to sleep better and sleep better. What was the other question they already forgot? See, this was the siblings. What was the other thing about kind of like his Lego broke this morning and he flipped the table and he cut off the table. So like, just really quickly, I mean, like, that's that was happened many times before. And sometimes I would pick them up. And we would go for a walk. And that usually tends to work. But like what you said, is like, don't touch them when I'm angry. And I don't feel comfortable because I have picked them up. And we kind of like left the house and I had I grab shoes because you didn't want to go. And I don't feel comfortable doing that.

★ここまでの要約・日本語訳★

• The individual discusses the routines of his family, mentioning that there often isn't enough time for play and laughter. He shares his concerns about sibling rivalries, specifically his older son hitting the younger one.
• 彼は自分の家族のルーチンについて話し、遊びや笑いに充てる時間が十分にないことを述べています。彼は兄弟間の競争について心配しており、特に長男が弟を叩くことについてです。
• He recognizes that the aggression stems mainly from a fear of not receiving adequate attention. He's noticed improvement and has reduced his yelling. However, issues persist such as the child flipping tables when upset.
• 彼は、攻撃的な行動が主に十分な注意を受けられないことへの恐怖から生じることを認識しています。彼は改善を感じ、叫び声を減らしています。しかし、怒ったときに子供がテーブルをひっくり返すなどの問題がまだ存在します。
• The individual seeks advice on setting and enforcing loving limits since the family no longer punishes by taking toys away.
• 彼は、家族がもはやおもちゃを取り上げることで罰することがないので、愛情豊かな制限を設定し、それを強制する助けを求めています。
• He reflects on his attempts to empathize with his upset child, by sharing his own childhood experiences. However, these attempts haven't had the desired effects.
• 彼は、自分の子ども時代の経験を共有することにより、怒った子供と共感しようとする試みについて反省しています。しかし、これらの試みは望ましい効果をもたらしていません。
• Finally, he shares on attempting to divert the anger-filled child by going for a walk when the situation escalates, although he expresses discomfort and seeks advice in doing so.
• 最後に、彼は状況がエスカレートするときに散歩に行って怒りに満ちた子供を散歩に誘導しようと試みることについて話しましたが、不快感を表明し、それを行う際の助けを求めています。

★ここまでの特徴的な固有名詞・英単語・英語表現★
【固有名詞】

• Lego（レゴ）

【英単語】

• routine（ルーチン）
• aggression（攻撃性）
• rivaling（競争）
• improvement（改善）
• confirmed（確認した）
• empathy（共感）
• attention（注意）
• reconnect（再接続）
• physical（物理的な）

【英語フレーズ】

• stuck in a routine（ルーチンに囚われる）
• not enough time to play（遊ぶ時間が足りない）
• see it deeply（深く見る）
• make some progress（進歩する）
• don't hit your brother（兄を殴らないで)
• understand and acknowledge his feelings（彼の感情を理解し、認識する）
• trying to do what I think is the right thing（自分が正しいと思うことをやろうとする）
• set a loving limit（愛情のある限界を設定する）
• hitting from happening（起こることから叩く）
• filling an empty cup（空のカップを満たす）
• up the physical play（物理的な遊びを増やす）
• wind down before bed（寝る前に落ち着く）
• chase around the house（家の中を追いかける）

"And so, I really had to think about not touching him when I'm kind of like not so regulated. God, I guess I just really don't like that. Yeah, if you're not regulated, definitely don't touch him. That's a good rule to follow.

[49:14]

If you're regulated and he's not, then I'm not worried. Okay, there's a difference there. What I would say is that I feel like there's, especially in the peaceful parenting world, a real lack of willingness to set firm limits. And I think limits are important. Limits are a real gift to our kids; they allow our kids to feel safe. They're like guardrails on the highway, right? They allow us to feel safe. So, like I said, I feel like keeping our family, ourselves, and things safe is our number one job as parents.

And so I don't really want your tables getting flipped and things getting broken. I would like you to actually get in the way of that happening. You don't need to touch your kid, but you might, like if he's going to go flip the table, you might run after him and just sit on the table or hold the table down. In other words, you're preventing the destruction from happening without holding him if you're dysregulated. Does that make sense? Yes. So I don't really want, okay, he's mad.

[50:20]

And he's throwing his Lego's. Okay, you're throwing your Legos, whatever, their Legos. But if then he's running around and he's tossing the candle on the floor and pulling the books off the shelves. No, I don't want that to happen. And so, can you instead, if you're not quite regulated yet, and I want you to get to a place where you can be by doing your own work, but until you're there, right? Can you stand in front of the bookshelf so that the books don't get pulled off? Got it. Yeah, to play a more preventative role. Exactly. Rather than going towards him when you're dysregulated. Got it. Is that helpful? I'd take you for a walk. Yeah, no, absolutely. Yeah, I'm sorry. I feel like I took up so much time. No, no, no, believe me, this is exactly the kind of question that everybody has.

So that's what I love. Questions because I'm answering to you, but I'm actually answering to everybody. It's helpful for everybody. Don't worry. Tasha, do you have time for another question? Yeah. Okay. Jessica, do you want to ask your question? Sure.

So, my question is, my daughter, she's five. And so this just happened last night, and I guess, I don't know if I handled it correctly.

[51:23]

If there's a better way to handle it. So she, when she gets frustrated, she gets aggressive, which like you said, is her being scared. So she wanted to super glue the bow back on her stuffed animal's head. And it was 8.30 at night. She's out from school so I don't set a bedtime. We just, we're hanging out; her brother was sleeping. So we were just hanging out on the couch, but I told her no, that we're not gonna pull out the super glue and glue it together. So she got upset about that and she threw it at me and then she had, it's just a stuffed animal. So then she had another stuffed animal and she threw it at my face. So I took them and I brought them to the garage, and I didn't say anything. I took them and I brought them to the garage and said, I think they need a time-out.

And so, she went to try and go out there and get them. And, you know, I just kind of stood in front of the door so she couldn't go outside and then she got upset and she tried, you know, hitting me and kicking me and I just kinda. Put my hands out to kind of keep her like arm's length away so she couldn't hit me and then I tried getting her to play. Like I didn't, I didn't know what else to do and then she kinda, like once she gets frustrated, she'll just be like, ah, and she'll just scream really loud. So she did that, and then I kind of got her playing a little bit and laughing, that kind of diffused everything.

[52:27]

And then we talked about it, she apologized, and everything was fine. But I guess my question is like, did I handle that okay? Is there some way different that I could have done that? When she swears at me or calls me names, it's not a big deal to me. It doesn't bother me. But when she threw the toys at me, like I could just feel myself getting really frustrated and I was just like, I don't wanna threaten her right now. I don't want to hit her. I don't want to yell. But I was like, I did. I just was, I could just tell that I was not in a good place. So I had to walk away. So I took the toys with me, put them in the garage, but I didn't want to say you're not getting your toys, you know, because I knew that wasn't the right thing to do.

So Yeah,

[53:29]

I mean, I think I mean, you did great in that, you know, you stayed calm, you are conscious of what you're doing. You're making choices like this. This is a good thing. One thing that really struck me about what you said is that, well, you know, she can swear at me and it doesn't bother me, but when she threw those toys at me, that really got to me. So, what I wanna point out is that, that's true for you, but I'm looking at other people here, Corey might get really mad if their child swears at them, but if they've stuffed animal, no big deal. Why is this important? Because these are all our own triggers, they're our own feelings, it's not that one is worse or better than another, it's all about us, right?

It's like what is our baggage are we carrying forward with us in our parenting? What are we showing up with? So I want to point that out because it's like, okay, so she threw stuffed animals at you. Cause my question would be, could you, if you could think, oh, you know, Tasha wouldn't care if she threw stuffed animals at her, it wouldn't be triggering to her. What would Tasha do?

[54:29]

It's like, could you start that play that you did figure out that you wanted to start? It just took you a while. It was first you reacted, first you're like, I'm taking this away, I'm putting this, because I'm mad, you're like, I'm not gonna yell, I'm not gonna hit her, I'm not gonna, you were able to hold back on some of it, but not the rest of it. If you can go into play immediately, I bet none of that other stuff would've happened.

What would have happened if she threw those stuffed animals at you in that way and you tossed them back playfully with a smile? Like, I bet that the laughter would have come then, that the connection, she would have felt seen then.

[55:30]

Do you see what I mean? And then you just skipped all that other stuff. And that's where you were trying to get. Yeah. You just took a long route, right? So moving in really quickly when we see that our kids are off track is going to make a big difference. The longer we wait, generally, this didn't happen to you, but generally, the worse our behavior gets.

Because the worst their behavior gets and we get more and more frustrated. So you are actually able to do something that not a lot of people can do, which is like hold off, hold off, hold off and then actually come around and be playful as the behavior got worse. That's a really hard thing to do. If you could do that, then you can do what I'm saying, which is to come in with play immediately.

[56:30]

Instead of taking away. Just to back up, even one step further, I'll say one more thing, which is like, why not glue the thing back on the stuffed animal? Like I'm not saying there's no right answer, yes or no, but just spend a moment to think about why did I say no? Was that that important no or not? Because, and might have been or it might not have been, I don't know and you don't have to answer, but my point is that one of the things that we don't do enough of when we're setting limits as parents is to take a moment to think about, Do I really care about this limit? Do I wanna be setting this limit? Is this limit necessary?

If it's aggression and safety, that's one thing, but most of the limits are like, it's 8.30 at night and do I want her to take out the super glue and glue this thing back on, right? It's a gray area. There's no right or wrong. Yeah. So just taking time to think about that. Okay. Yeah. I guess it was just me being like not wanting to do it. And I guess if I would have just done it, it would have just been fine."

★ここまでの要約・日本語訳★

• The speaker stresses the importance of setting boundaries and not touching children when one is not emotionally regulated, emphasizing parents' priority of ensuring safety and protecting property without physical interaction.
• They also recommend taking preventive actions to prevent children's destructive behavior, such as standing in front of items that are likely to be damaged.
• A mother shares an incident with her daughter, who became aggressive when refused to use super glue late at night. The mother reacted by keeping away the toys that the daughter threw at her and tried to distract her instead of engaging with her anger.
• The speaker appreciates her calm reaction and attempts to divert the child's attention, mentioning that the mother could have engaged in play immediately after the first act of aggression.
• The speaker suggests thinking carefully about whether to set a limit or not, since it may result in unnecessary conflicts, as it happened in the case mentioned.

• 話し手は、感情的にコントロールできていない時に子供に触れないという、境界を設けることの重要性を強調し、親が物理的交流なしに安全を確保し、財産を保護することを最優先することを強調しています。
• 彼らはまた、子供たちの破壊的行動を防ぐために、ダメージを受けそうなアイテムの前に立つなどの予防的なアクションを取ることを推奨しています。
• 母親は、夜遅くにスーパーグルーを使うことを拒否されたことで攻撃的になった娘との出来事を共有します。母親は娘が投げたおもちゃを遠ざけ、彼女の怒りに対応するのではなく、注意をそらさせようとしました。
• 話し手は、母親が落ち着いて反応し、子供の注意をそらそうとした試みを評価し、母親が最初の攻撃行為の直後にすぐに遊びに参加できたであろうことを指摘しています。
• 話し手は、限界を設定するかどうかを慎重に考えることを提案します。なぜなら、それが不必要な対立を引き起こす可能性があるからです。該当のケースでは、そのような事態が生じました。

★ここまでの特徴的な固有名詞・英単語・英語表現★
【固有名詞】

• Jessica（ジェシカ）
• Tasha（ターシャ）
• Corey（コリー）
• Lego（レゴ）

【英単語】

• dysregulated（非調節）
• parenting（育児）
• aggressive（攻撃的）
• swear（誓う）
• preventive（予防的な）
• destructive（破壊的な）
• trigger（引き金）

【英語フレーズ】

• real lack of willingness（本当の意志の欠如）
• set firm limits（厳格な制限を設ける）
• play a more preventative role（より予防的な役割を果たす）
• make sense（理にかなっている）
• take a walk（散歩する）
• get to a place（到達する）
• hold off（引き延ばす）
• come around（態度を変える）
• do one's own work（自分自身の仕事をする）
• keep arm's length away（腕の長さを保つ）

"So if you think of these yucky feelings inside, they want that to come out. And so if we don't offer a safe space for it to happen in one moment, it'll come out in another moment. We always have more opportunities, not to worry. Thank you. I have a question that came in anonymously. So this is from somebody with a five-year-old who says that he has aggression.

[57:30]
That seems to come out of nowhere. For example, he'll run up to his brother or one of us and just start yelling in their face. Or one day, he waited behind the door and when I walked in, he hit my back before I even knew he was there. Or he'll run up and punch one of us and then run away again. Or he'll randomly start punching the air as we're walking outside or just hanging out at home, and then that might migrate to the vicinity of a person. And yeah, so just these random parts, random aggressions that seem to come out of nowhere.

OK, so one, I really doubt they're random, right? We talked about that earlier. So have a look at when it's happening. Notice when the good moments are and notice when the aggression happens. It's really not random. It's not. And you will feel more empowered if you can figure out what the pattern is or what the patterns are.

Second, for this particular kid, my first go-to would be to start a practice of special time or one-on-one time, devote more connection time, however you do that, with this child. He's desperately

[58:34]
calling for connection, he's asking for connection, and we just need to answer that call. So if it were my kid, I would start with that. I would start with noticing what happened. So I'm not feeling so caught off guard. And I would start with a practice of filling his connection cup, whatever that looks like. If it's special time, if it's you know, reading together, think about the times that you enjoy together where he's soft, where he's, you know, can feel your presence and do more of that, like up that, infuse that, okay? It's like a go on a, like binge on that for like a week, and see if it has, it makes a difference in the, in the aggression, I would start with there.

I really appreciate your time today. And I just want to close out by asking you the question that I ask all my podcast guests, which is, if you could go back to your younger parent self, what advice would you give yourself? Unknown. Speaker. Oh, what if I were to go back to my younger parent self, what advice would I give myself?

[59:38]
To really trust my gut, to really trust my gut, there is just there's so much information. Get help in this situation. Out there right now and we tend to over-research and over-listen to other people who don't know our situation as well as we do. And so yeah, to just really trust my gut. Trust me, get awesome. Thank you.

Where can folks go to find out more about you and what you do? You can find me on my website at parentingvoicepeacefully.com. Thanks, Tasha. Thanks, everyone. My pleasure. Thanks so much for inviting me."

★ここまでの要約・日本語訳★
• The dialogue addresses the issue of a five-year-old child exhibiting unexpected aggressive behaviors towards their family members and even strangers, which seems to be random but is advised not to be perceived that way.
『この対話は、家族や見知らぬ人に対して予期せぬ攻撃的な行動を示す5歳の子供の問題に取り組んでいますが、それらの行動はランダムに見えるかもしれませんが、そう捉えないように指導されています。』

• The speaker suggests observing when the aggression happens, find any patterns in it to understand it better and feel more empowered in handling such situations.
『スピーカーは、攻撃行動が起こるときを観察し、それにパターンを見つけて理解を深め、そのような状況を取り扱うときにより力を得られるように提案しています。』

• The advice given includes establishing a practice of special time or one-on-one time with the child, answering the child's call for connection and observing what actions stimulate a positive reaction from them, doing more of those actions.
『与えられた助言には、子供との特別な時間や1対1の時間の習慣を確立し、子供の繋がりを求める呼び声に回答し、子供から肯定的な反応を引き出す行動を観察し、そのような行動をより多く行うことが含まれています。』

• The speaker tells their younger self to trust their gut instincts, as there can be an overwhelming amount of information and external opinions that may not always accurately reflect their situation.
『スピーカーは、自分自身の直感に信頼するように自らに伝えており、情報や外部の意見が圧倒的に多く、それが必ずしも自分の状況を正確に反映していない場合があるためです。』

• The speaker can be found on their website at parentingvoicepeacefully.com for more information about their work.
『スピーカーは、自分の仕事についての詳しい情報を得るために、自分のウェブサイトparentingvoicepeacefully.comで見つけることができます。』

★ここまでの特徴的な固有名詞・英単語・英語表現★
【固有名詞】

• Tasha（タシャ）

【英単語】

• aggression（攻撃性）
• randomly（無作為に）
• empowered（パワーアップした）
• connection（接続）
• desperately（必死に）
• appreciate（感謝する）
• guests（ゲスト）
• advice（アドバイス）
• trust（信頼する）
• gut（直感）

【英語フレーズ】

• out of nowhere（突然）
• one-on-one time（一対一の時間）
• run up to（駆け寄る）
• punch one of us（私たちの一人を殴る）
• run away again（再び逃げる）
• feel your presence（あなたの存在を感じる）
• makes a difference（違いをもたらす）
• your time today（今日の時間）
• trust my gut（私の直感を信じる）
• find out more（もっと知る）