[00:00:00]
[00:00:45] Sarah: "Hey, y'all welcome back to the peaceful parenting podcast. Today's episode is a really fantastic conversation with my guest, Dr. Linea Willis. We had so much fun. We laughed, you know, sometimes you just meet someone and you have just a really great connection from the start. That's how we each felt.
[00:01:02] And we vowed to keep in touch. It was just such a really helpful conversation. As a psychologist and family empowerment coach, Dr. Linea Willis, helps frustrated families stop stable misery cycles or unhelpful patterns that keep them stuck so that they can create more joy in their parenting or partnerships. Her trigger to transform parent coaching program has helped parents all over the world to confidently deal with their triggers so they can pass on the best parts of themselves and enjoy parenting more.
[00:01:26] If your ears perked up, when you heard the word stable misery, you are in luck because that is what we discussed. And I think a lot of us can relate to that right now, as we're coming out of COVID. It's been a tough couple of years. Dr. Linea and I talked about what stable misery is. And she also shared with us her paths framework, which is a five-step framework for getting out of stable misery.
[00:01:48] I learned so much, and as I said, I laughed a lot. We had a lot of fun with this conversation. Before we meet Dr. Linea, I just want to invite you to leave a question for me. You can record a voice note, or voice memo for me on my website, Sarah Rosen, suite.com. If you find the podcast tab pretty close to the top of that page, you will find a place that says record a question for Sarah. I would love to answer your questions on the podcast. So please find your way over to my website. Sarah Rosen, suite.com. Go to the podcast tab and find the place where you can hit a button. Record a question for me, and I might answer it on the podcast. I would love to hear what you need to know right now.
[00:02:27] And hopefully answer your question in an upcoming episode. So let's dive in and meet Dr. Linea. Hi, Dr. Linea.
[00:02:36] Dr. Lynyetta: "Hello, Sarah, how are you?"
[00:02:38] Sarah: "Welcome to the podcast."
[00:02:40] Dr. Lynyetta: "Thank"
[00:02:42] Sarah: "Yeah, me too. Can you just tell us a little bit about who you are and what you do and how you came to do this work, family empowerment coach?"
[00:02:50] Dr. Lynyetta: "Thank you for having me. I'm so excited to be here. Yes, yes, yes. So I am trained as a psychologist. I have a private practice for a number of years. And now I do family empowerment, coaching helping families all over the world to break free from what I like to call stable misery in their parenting and in their partner.
[00:03:14] So that they can create more joy, have partnerships with people that they want to grow old with and have relationships with their children. Where their children actually wanna come home, after they leave for college, they wanna come home for the holidays, and wanna pick up the phone when you call.
[00:03:30] Sarah: "Love that, that's important."
[00:03:31] Dr. Lynyetta: "Right, right."
[00:03:32] Sarah: "Great. And you have two kids, and we are just talking off the air. They're 10 and 13. So you're right in the thick of it with all of the people that you work with.
[00:03:40] Dr. Lynyetta: "Oh, yeah."
[00:03:41] Sarah: "Well, okay. Stable misery. I'm intrigued. Can you tell us about what is stable misery?"
[00:03:48] Dr. Lynyetta: "Yes. It's a phrase that I coined, and I've used for almost 20 years now. That space where nothing is wrong. Like the house isn't burning down, you know, there's no major crisis going on, but as parents or as partners, we're just - we don't feel fulfilled. We're not happy. It's the same Groundhog day situation over and over and not the good Groundhog day with the picnics and the games, like the really annoying, boring Groundhog day.
[00:04:16] So it's that space where a lot of my family find themselves. And it's that question? Like, how did I get here? You know, where in their partnerships, they go from soulmates to roommates. As parents, they sometimes dread engaging their kids. Or find that they're just not sure what to do anymore.
[00:04:38] And they kind of just go, they start parenting on autopilot. And when you think back to most of us, when we decided to do this parenting thing for real, we didn't, we thought about the joy and the happiness, and yeah, there's gonna be downtimes, but you know, it's, I got this. Right. And it, and it's not mirroring that the reality doesn't mirror that.
[00:04:57] Sarah: "What I always think about is like I always say we didn't have kids just to move them through the schedule and like, you know, get them teeth brushed and bring them to soccer practice. Like, of course, that's part of parenting, but if there's not more than that, it can feel as you say, like that stable misery or one thing they.
[00:05:12] Through all around a lot in the pandemic, which seems synonymous to me is that languishing term. They have you heard that when people talked that in the pandemic, like, you know, you're just kind of like, Ugh I'm just kind of going on and not thriving, but also not like everything's falling apart or the house is burning down, as you say."
[00:05:30] Dr. Lynyetta: "Exactly. And when [00:05:34] people tend to not do anything because it's like, 'well, I don't really have anything to complain about. All my needs are met. The kids are fine. We're fine. There's nothing wrong,'.
[00:05:43] Sarah: "We're not in"
[00:05:44] Dr. Lynyetta: "Exactly, exactly. Right. So people just kind of exist in that space. But what I help people to see is that you don't have to.
[00:05:53] Sarah: "Okay, so first of all, how do you recognize when you are in that space of stable misery? What are some signs of it? Is it similar to burnout? Do you think?"
[00:06:03] Dr. Lynyetta: "Somewhat similar. Burnout often has a lot of physiological components to it that stable misery might not have. Right. So sometimes in terms of, we look at it from a nervous system perspective, a bit of a neuro nerd, we'll enter into stable misery to keep from burning out. Right. It's sort of like where we go. It's it's like when your computer sleeps.
[00:06:25] Sarah: "Mm-hmm."
[00:06:25] Dr. Lynyetta: "You know, instead of just running all the time, it's like, we just kind of go into that, which is interesting because if you think about it from that perspective, stable misery is actually a protective state, right.
[00:06:34] It, it helps us to survive and, and keep going."
[00:06:38] Sarah: "Are you a polyvagal theory?"
[00:06:40] Dr. Lynyetta: "I love polyvagal."
[00:06:42] Sarah: "Would it be like Dorsal vag?"
[00:06:45] Dr. Lynyetta: "Mm. It can, it can. But that's where it sort of gets. Some people, when they're in stable misery, they can absolutely be in that dorsal or that blue space.
[00:06:55] Sarah: "Right or some people know it as freeze of the fight flight or freeze. It's like the"
[00:06:59] Dr. Lynyetta: "Yeah, but you can be in stable misery and be in that red zone.
[00:07:02] So it's or what I call the, that fight flight space. And so what it is is it's just this consistent, continual way of being that doesn't bring satisfaction, joy, or fulfilment into your life. Right. And you're just existing. So you can be in stable misery. Like I always tell couples, you know, a thought when I bring up that phrase, stable misery and they're like, 'well, we're fighting all the time.'
[00:07:25] And I'm like, 'Are you experiencing joy, fulfillment or satisfaction anyway?' 'No.' Well, that's probably stable misery, you know, so you can be revved up all the time and still feel like, 'Ugh.' Now if you stay there long enough, absolutely. You might fall into that dorsal or that blue space because you get to that point where you're just your nervous system, just crashes.
[00:07:45] And it's like, 'I can't sustain. That level.' And so what I find with a lot of the people that I work with is they ping pong between red and blue, red, and blue, red, and blue all day. And that, vent place, like that's more of a What I call purple I can use all the polyvagal terms, but I find colors are so much more easy for me.
[00:08:03] So and red and blue make purple. So that purple space that's that space where we love to live, you know, where it's that calm, productive, relaxed. I'm on top of this, I got this space now more than likely we're not gonna live there 24/7 because. That's just not how the world works and not how our nervous systems work."
★ここまでの要約・日本語訳★
- The interview is on the peaceful parenting podcast where Sarah and special guest Dr. Linea Willis discuss the concept of stable misery among families.
- Dr. Willis is a psychologist and family empowerment coach who strives to help parents escape unhelpful patterns and find more joy in their parenting journey.
- Despite the economic security and absence of emergencies at home, Dr. Willis coined the term "stable misery" which refers to a state of recurring dissatisfaction felt by families, particularly during the COVID-19 pandemic.
- They discuss the distinction between burnout and stable misery; while the former often includes physiological changes, the latter is a more survivalistic state based on dissatisfaction.
- Dr. Lynyetta promotes switching from either a constant "fight or flight" state or a freeze (akin to computer sleep) to a balance in between for a more fulfilled life.
- 本インタビューは平和な育児のポッドキャストで、Sarahと特別ゲストのDr. Linea Willisが家族の「安定した不幸」の概念について話し合っています。
- Dr. Willisは心理療法士であり家族エンパワーメントコーチで、親たちが有害なパターンを脱出し、育児の旅路でより多くの喜びを見つける助けをします。
- 経済的な安全性と家庭内の緊急事態の欠如にもかかわらず、Dr. Willisは「安定した不幸」という言葉を作りました。これは、新型コロナウイルスのパンデミック中に特に家族が感じる繰り返しの不満の状態を指しています。
- パンデミック中に人々が感じた「安定した不幸」について話し、不満を感じ続けている状態とハードワークによる燃え尽き症候群とを区別しています。
- Dr. Lynyettaは、常に「闘争か逃走」の状態か、コンピュータのスリープ状態に似た「フリーズ」から、より満足のいく生活のための中間の状態へと切り替えることを提唱しています。
★ここまでの特徴的な固有名詞・英単語・英語表現★
【固有名詞】
- Dr. Linea Willis（Dr.リネア・ウィリス）
- Sarah Rosen suite.com（サラ・ローゼン・スイート.com）
- COVID（コロナウイルス）
- paths framework（経路フレームワーク）
- Groundhog day（2月2日の節分、アメリカの独特の祝日）
- polyvagal theory（ポリヴァーガル理論）
【英単語】
- peaceful（穏やかな）
- podcast（ポッドキャスト）
- guest（ゲスト）
- psychologist（心理学者）
- empowerment（強化）
- parenting（親子関係）
- partnerships（パートナーシップ）
- vowed（誓った）
- stuck（詰まって）
- joy（喜び）
- perked up（活気付く）
- languishing（衰える）
- physiological（生理的）
【英語フレーズ】
- keep in touch（連絡を取り続ける）
- helps frustrated families（困っている家族を助ける）
- deal with their triggers（それらの引き金を扱う）
- leave a question for me（私に質問を残す）
- find your way over（あなたの道を見つける）
- break free from（〜から自由になる）
- grow old with（〜と一緒に年を取る）
- move them through the schedule（彼らをスケジュールを通して動かす）
- burning down（焼け落ちる）
- synonymous（同義の）
- ping pong between（の間でピンポンする）
[00:08:26] But a lot of times, we're in stable misery. That purple space becomes very narrow, or we just don't visit it very often as individuals or as a family. We say families have families or systems too. And so, as a family, sometimes we're in red or we're in blue, right? And so, there are ways even to widen that purple zone of your family, but it starts [00:08:51] helping ourselves to do it.
[00:08:53] Sarah: Okay. So how, how do we do it?
[00:08:55] Dr. Lynyetta: Yeah. Well, I created this framework. It's a five paths framework, and I use it in a program that I created called Triggered to Transformed, which helps parents who want to raise their kids differently from how they were raised but struggle to be overreactive and continue those unhelpful cycles and patterns.
[00:09:14] And it works really well with recognizing and starting to excavate yourself or extricate yourself, rather, from that stable misery cycle. Now the first thing I want to say about stable misery is, it's not an on-off switch. It's more like a dimmer switch. And if you think about a dimmer switch at the top of it, I would put dynamic joy, right?
[00:09:37] When the lights are full on bright, everything's going well. And at the bottom is stable misery where things are very dim and dark. The idea isn't to be in dynamic joy all the time. That sounds wonderful. I'm not sure how to do that without illicit substances, though.
[00:09:52] Sarah: Just gonna say drugs, but. Okay. We're not promoting drugs on this.
[00:09:58] Dr. Lynyetta: Exactly. You figure out how to do that without drugs, send me that interview. I will listen all day long. So the idea isn't to be there all the time, but it's to use that dimmer switch idea as an indicator. So my husband and I, we were stuck in stable misery for a number of years.
[00:10:19] And so, that dimmer switch was in the off space. It's not that we don't ever move in that direction, but now when we do, we recognize it. So the first step is to recognize: what does stable misery look like for me? What does it look like for us? What does joy look like for me or us as a family? And once you have those two bookends, then you can start using stable misery and dynamic joy as indicators, as opposed to 'Ah, let's get outta stable misery word's run', you know.
[00:10:48] Sarah: So, for figuring out what it looks like for you, do you have any suggestions? Do people brainstorm when they felt joy or how do you develop that scale for yourself?
[00:11:00] Dr. Lynyetta: You know, what's interesting. I have never said the phrase stable misery to someone and without getting a look of 'Oh'.
[00:11:09] Sarah: Yeah, no, when I, when I heard it, I was like, oh yeah, I know that. I know that feeling, especially with the pandemic, like, you know, I think we all were so limited and lost, lost, maybe temporarily, but lost a lot in the pandemic. And I think it's really common. I think it's probably more common now than it was two and a half years ago for people to be in stable misery.
[00:11:27] Is that what you are finding?
[00:11:29] Dr. Lynyetta: I find that 100% to be accurate because we don't know how to exist without, um, like it, it completely switched the way we are. And so, our normal habits and the normal things that we do that. We didn't even recognize to regulate ourselves and to help ourselves feel more at peace and more connected with those.
[00:11:49] We love a lot of those were taken away. Like for instance, coming home from work and that drive in the car, right. That is such a decompression space for so many people that people didn't realize until there was no more drive in the car. And it was literally like I'm working, I open the door and there's the family, you know.
[00:12:19] Dr. Lynyetta: So, PADS is an acronym, P A T H. And the P stands for what I was talking about earlier. It stands for perspective and perspective consists of two parts. The first part is figuring out where you are, right? Which means, you know, what are the two ends of that dimmer switch for you? Developing a vision.
[00:14:38] So, figuring out where you are. That's figuring out: like, what does stable misery look like for me? And like I said, I've never said that phrase to someone and they not automatically had a physical sensation or an immediate thought. So if you just connect it to the sensation, take time to really sit and be like, sit with that sensation.
[00:14:57] Like what does stable misery feel like for me? You know. And when can I remember being there? It might not even be right now. You might have to go back earlier in your relationship or earlier in your life.
[00:15:17] And then on the other end, what does joy look like for you? And I find that this one actually is harder for people than the stable misery, because we don't know what purple looks like for us. Because we ping pong so much. So when I say people like "well, what does joy feel like in your body? What does joy look like?"
[00:15:36] And they, I get this blank stare, you know. What do you do for joy? Nothing.
[00:15:53] What things bring us joy? Because I always say, if you don't know where you're going anywhere will. You know, so you need to know what that looks like, and it could be something very simple. We laugh more when we're having, when we're in that joyous space, we laugh more. Now we can start back filling in what makes you laugh, so really clear on what's that vision.
[00:16:14] What's that framework look like for me. The other part of perspective is stories. Oh my gosh. The stories in our head, man, they. Bring us bliss or bombshells every time. It's just one of the two. So figuring out what are your stable misery stories. When you're in that stable misery pit, what stories do you tell about yourself or about your child or about your partner?
[00:16:40] Right.
★ここまでの要約・日本語訳★
- The interview mainly revolves around the concept of "stable misery", a term designed by Dr. Lynyetta to describe a situation where individuals or families are constantly hovering between unhappiness and happiness.
- Dr. Lynyetta has developed a five-step program called ‘Triggered to Transformed', targeting parents who aim to change their families' pattern for the better compared to their upbringing.
- "Stable Misery" and "Dynamic Joy" are described as the two ends of a dimmer switch, recognizing, and navigating between them is key to maintaining a healthy emotional state.
- The program involves identifying and understanding one's instances of stable misery and joy, but more people struggle to define what joy means for them compared to identifying their stable misery.
- Part of the program mentioned is the acronym PATHS, particularly the 'P' for perspective -- understanding oneself in relation to the dimmer switch analogy and identifying joy and misery physically, emotionally, and situational.
- インタビューは主に、「安定した不幸」という概念を回っています。これは、Dr. Lynyettaが個人または家族が常に不幸と幸福の間を移動する状況を表すために設計した言葉です。
- Dr. Lynyettaは、自分の育てられた方法とは異なる形で家族のパターンを良い方向に変えることを目指す親を対象とした5ステップのプログラム「Triggered to Transformed」を開発しました。
- 「安定した不幸」と「ダイナミックな喜び」は調光スイッチの両端として描かれ、これらを認識し、それらの間を移動することが、健康な感情状態を維持するための鍵となります。
- プログラムには、安定した悲惨さと喜びの瞬間を識別し、理解する作業が含まれていますが、喜びとは何かを定義することに苦労する人が安定した悲惨さを特定する人よりも多いです。
- プログラムの一部として言及されたのが「PATHS」の頭文字で、特に'P'は「視点」を表す。これは、自己と調光スイッチの比喩との関係を理解し、喜びと苦悩を物理的、感情的、状況的に特定することを意味します。
★ここまでの特徴的な固有名詞・英単語・英語表現★
【固有名詞】
- Dr. Lynyetta (Dr.リニエッタ)
- Sarah (サラ)
- Triggered to Transformed (トリガーから変わる)
【英単語】
- misery（悲惨）
- individuals（個人）
- patterns（パターン）
- framework（フレームワーク）
- cycle（循環）
- dimmer switch（調光スイッチ）
- substances（物質）
- interview（インタビュー）
- indicator（指標）
- recognize（認識する）
- suggestions（提案）
- brainstorm（ブレインストーム）
- acronym（頭字語）
- perspective（視点）
- vision（ビジョン）
- sensation（感覚）
【英語フレーズ】
- a lot of times（たくさんの時）
- raise their kids differently（子供たちを違う方法で育てる）
- struggle to be overreactive（過度に反応するのに苦しむ）
- works really well（非常に良く機能する）
- in the off space（オフスペースに）
- what does it look like for me（私にとってそれは何に見えるか）
- do you have any suggestions （何か提案がありますか）
- we don't know how to exist（存在方法を知らない）
- developing a vision（ビジョンを作り出す）
- what does stable misery look like for me （安定した悲惨さは私にとってどう見えますか）
- we don't know what purple looks like for us（私たちは紫がどう見えるかわからない）
- what does joy feel like in your body（体の中で喜びは何を感じますか）
- what things bring us joy（何が私たちに喜びをもたらしますか）
- if you don't know where you're going anywhere will （行き先がわからなければどこでも良い）
"Because those stories will absolutely exacerbate that sense. Usually, there's stories of powerlessness or hopelessness or helplessness. Right. And they're often those red zone stories. Around, you know, or blue. So, it's either things like that lead us to need to like lash out, like, 'oh, you're being so manipulative.'
[00:17:01] And, uh, I can't stand, and you know, those types of stories or, 'I'm powerless, there's nothing I can do. This is hopeless. I give up,' you know, those are more of those blues owner, those dorsal.
[00:17:12] Sarah: When my oldest son was in high school, he was really not a fan. He didn't love school, to put it mildly. And he is in the middle of high school and just hates school. And I said, 'Look, you could quit. Like, you're old enough, you could quit school if you want, you don't have to finish high school.'
[00:17:30] And I honestly meant that. I think there are other paths to joy and success in life besides academics, but he thought about it and decided he wanted to have a high school diploma. He wanted to finish high school. And that really shifted things for him because he got out of powerlessness when he thought, 'I could quit school.'
[00:17:50] I don't have to keep going to high school if I don't want to, I could stop. And then, that changed things for him. I find that sort of shift really powerful where you think, 'I'm choosing to be here.' Anyhow, just a thought on perspective. I think that's in that story that you tell yourself, for him, it was like, 'I have to be here' and then it was shifted to, 'I choose to be here.'
[00:18:09] And that totally changed things for him.
[00:18:12] Dr. Lynyetta: I love that because he went from, 'This is being done to me' to 'I'm doing this for me.'
[00:18:19] Sarah: Mm-hmm.
[00:18:19] Dr. Lynyetta: Which is a much more empowered place to exist. For sure. I love that so much. And then you got buy-in too, right? It was no longer you dragging him. It's like, 'Now, dude, this is on you.' Like, you know, and he is like, 'Alright, I'm committed, I'm committed.'
[00:18:33] Right. And now you're a helper. You're a coach. You're somebody that, as opposed to the warden, who's dragging him out and locking him in school every day. So, I love that so much.
[00:18:43] Sarah: So, perspective. That looking at the dimmer switch, where are we on between stable misery and joy, and then the stories that we're telling ourselves about where we are.
[00:18:51] Dr. Lynyetta: Exactly. Exactly. And sometimes even, what stories could we tell ourselves instead that feel more purple, that feel more in alignment with that joyful end of the spectrum. The 'A' stands for awareness. Now, I find that especially those of us who are breakers, as I like to call us, those who want to break intergenerational cycles and habits.
[00:19:10] We tend to need to stay here for a while. So, awareness is largely self-awareness; awareness of our feelings and our body sensations. So, if you're anything like me, I was raised with the 'four horsemen' mindset view of parenting, which are: pain, blame, shame, and avoidance.
[00:19:36] It was just how they were raised and how their caregivers were raised, like using things like corporal punishment and blaming and shaming and emotional manipulation. That's how you kept kids in line.
[00:19:58] So, I was raised to believe that feelings were liabilities, especially vulnerable or sad feelings. Or anger was okay, as long as it wasn't directed at the caregivers.
[00:20:22] So, learning to switch from this idea of my feelings are actually, and my body sensations are actually an ally. They're signposts that help guide me in where I am and where I need to go or where I want to go, as opposed to looking at them as liabilities or enemies. You know, that is a huge shift that has to be made.
[00:20:43] Different ways of regulating our nervous system. It's a whole module about rewiring our brain, rewiring our nervous system for that more purple arena, getting clear on what do you feel in your body? What do you experience emotionally when you are in stable misery, or when you're moving towards joy?
[00:21:07] Sarah: Do you have any exercises or tips for how, if people have been in the habit of not being in touch with their feelings and don't have that awareness? Do you have, I don't know, something to get us started with, with working on that?
[00:21:19] Dr. Lynyetta: I do. So, at the end, if you go to parentingtrigger.com, there's a quiz there.
[00:21:25] Sarah: We'll put it in the show notes.
[00:21:27] Dr. Lynyetta: Yeah. But one of the things that you're gonna receive is a map outlining the red, purple, and blue zone and what to do.
[00:21:47] So, spend time monitoring your zones. Am I in purple right now? Am I in blue right now? Am I in red? How do I know? Well, my shoulders feel really heavy and my stomach's kind of turning. I suggest people start monitoring and become explorers.
[00:23:04] Sarah: Okay. Cool.
[00:23:04] Dr. Lynyetta: With that, the other thing that's in awareness is noticing how people respond to you. So that's another big piece of awareness. So if I'm sitting down, I'm noticing that my children are starting to turn away from me and run away from me.
[00:23:24] So, how other people respond to you can also give good insight into who you tend to become when you think these thoughts or when you're in stable misery, even when you're moving towards joy.
[00:23:45] The 'T' stands for tools.
[00:24:00] You're always using a tool. The question is never, 'Am I using a tool?' It's always, 'Is the tool I'm using helpful or unhelpful?'
Taking five breaths is a tool and yelling is a tool. They're both tools. You know, one will probably just get you where you want to go a little bit faster. And yes, I don't mean yelling.
[00:24:27] Sarah: Just to clarify.
[00:24:06] Dr. Lynyetta: Case that needs to be clarified, not the yelling, spoiler alert.
[00:24:45] Once you start to get awareness of your body sensations and your emotions, once you start tapping in, once you're clear on those ends of the dimmer switch, then you can start thinking about what tools do I tend to use. When am I more at the stable misery end of that spectrum?
[00:24:45] How do I tend to show up for my kids? How do I tend to show up with my partner?
A perfect example, last night, my husband and I were watching this show on Netflix, Hulu or something like that."
★ここまでの要約・日本語訳★
- The speaker discusses stories we tell ourselves about powerlessness or helplessness, and how these can often lead us to act out in negative ways.
これらのストーリーは私たちが無力感や助けを求めていられない感覚を増幅させる。これらのストーリーが強く語られることで、防衛反応のように負の行動をとることがあるとスピーカーは話しています。
- A personal story is shared about the speaker's son hating school until he realized he had the power to quit, and how this shift from feeling forced to attend to choosing to attend changed his mentality.
スピーカーの息子が学校を嫌っていたが、「学校を辞めることができる」という選択肢を認識したことで、強制されて参加するから自分で選んで参加するという考え方に変化しました。
- The importance of self-awareness and recognizing our own feelings and body sensations is discussed.
自己認識と自分自身の感情や身体的な感覚を認識する重要性について議論がありました。
- The speaker suggests monitoring responses from others as a tool for increasing self-awareness.
他人の反応を監視することは、自己認識を高めるための一つの方法だという提案があります。
- The speaker concludes with the importance of understanding that we are always using a tool and asking if it is helpful or unhelpful.
スピーカーは常に何らかの「ツール」を使用しており、それが有益か無益かを理解することの重要性を訴えて結びました。
★ここまでの特徴的な固有名詞・英単語・英語表現★
【固有名詞】
- Japan（日本）
- Barak Obama（バラク・オバマ）
- Sarah（サラ）
- Dr. Lynyetta（ドクター・リニエッタ）
- Netflix（ネットフリックス）
- Hulu（ハルー）
【英単語】
- exacerbate（悪化させる）
- powerlessness（無力感）
- manipulate（操作する）
- shift（変更）
- warden（看守）
- awareness（認識)
- vulnerability（脆弱性）
- liabilities（責任）
- perspective（視点）
- intergenerational（世代間の）
- expectations（期待）
【英語フレーズ】
- lash out（感情を爆発させる）
- take a look（見てみる)
- in front of（〜の前に）
- stable misery（安定した悲惨さ）
- break cycles/habits（サイクルや習慣を断ち切る）
- tuning in（感じ取る/集中する）
- give up（あきらめる）
- switch from this idea（この考えから切り替える）
- start thinking about（～を考え始める）
- tell oneself a story（自分自身に物語を語る）
- dragging someone（誰かを引きずる）
- feel more in alignment with（もっと一致すると感じる）
- monitor one's zones（自分のゾーンを監視する）
"And it was about race in America, and I'm a black woman, and I found myself getting so triggered. [00:24:45] Like, I was just like, oh my God. Like to the point where, and I could see it happening because I'm watching the show and I'm listening to the sky. Then, eventually I turn on my phone and in my head, I'm like, 'I am so escaping right now because I've hit my limit.'
[00:24:59] But in that moment, for some reason, I didn't want to tell my husband, 'Can we stop right now?'
[00:25:04] Like, I, I don't know why. I just, he was really into it and I didn't want to, I could have done tens of things, but I didn't. So what ended up happening, we got in the bed and we have one of those sleep number beds that the top comes up and he was like, 'Can you put my side of the bed down?'
[00:25:18] Because I had pulled his up and I said, 'Is the app not on your phone?' And he looked at me like, 'Ooh,
[00:25:26] Sarah: Where did that come from?'
[00:25:28] Dr. Lynyetta: I know. And I realized, oh, I'm in my red zone. And when I get into, and I know that because when I get into my red zone, I get snarky. I get snarky and really annoyed really easily. And I didn't say anything, but as I'm talking about, I need to be like, 'That was not you.'
[00:25:48] It was totally
[00:25:48] Sarah: I’m sorry.
[00:25:50] Dr. Lynyetta: I know, I'm sorry. I was totally red. It had nothing to do with you. It had everything to do with that show. Perhaps we shouldn't watch that right before bed anymore and watch it in doses. So realizing what do you tend to do when you are in those different spaces?
[00:26:05] And that might take time, like I've been working on this for quite awhile, a couple decades now, you know. Now it's not going to take that long for people to think like, 'Oh gosh, are you kidding me right now?' But, you know, I wasn't working on it this intentionally, so if you start working on it intentionally, I promise you, it's not going to take you two decades.
[00:26:24] Just, it can take you literally a week to really get in the habit of monitoring your zones and, and realizing the tools that you tend to use with your kids or with your partner, and then start implementing new tools. So, with that example, what I'll probably do is, like I said, say, 'Let's not watch that at night anymore.'
[00:26:41] Let's not, right. Because now I have power. The H stands for healing, and this is the one where we need to Airbnb for a while, probably because, all the other things, the stories, how we respond in our bodies, the tools we use, all of those, like they didn't just come out of thin air. A lot of times those tools and the thoughts and all of that came from either our childhood or theirs, so they were modeled for us or we experienced them or...
[00:27:10] They are coping resources that we've developed over time to deal with certain things like me going to my phone and escaping the moment. So, I always say stressors need to be honored. Triggers need to be healed.
[00:27:23] Sarah: What's…
[00:27:23] Dr. Lynyetta: So. Yes. So when you're being triggered, that is a sign that your past is impacting your parenting or your partnership.
[00:27:33] All right. So that means that something that happened long ago in my childhood is bubbling up right now and I'm reacting to this present moment as if it's that past thing.
[00:27:44] Sarah: We know that because everyone's triggers are different. So, like what triggers you might not trigger me and vice versa because of our histories and our experiences.
[00:27:51] Dr. Lynyetta: 100%. Nailed it. Yes. And so getting clear on that is really important because those need to be healed so you can meditate. You can take deep breaths, you can do all the things that you want in the world, but if your reaction is linked to a trigger, you need to deal with that trigger or else you're basically just slapping band-aids on top of a big, huge gaping wound.
[00:28:13] You know, and it's not going to work out too well. So really figuring out, and I'm not talking about 50 years of therapy either. You'd be surprised at how many of my clients just by making the connection, transform how they respond. I was working with a family where the parent would react every time their child would turn towards the other parent for comfort.
[00:28:37] And what we realized through our work together was this particular parent grew up in a very neglectful environment. The four horsemen were now everywhere throughout that home. And so when their child would turn away. It would activate that like eight-year-old. Because I even said to them, I said, 'When you, the way you're describing this to me, this feels like a response that an eight-year-old would give.'
[00:29:01] And then they were like, 'Oh my gosh,' and was able to connect that and then realize this has nothing to do with my child. It has to do with my fear of rejection and abandonment. And just that awareness and insight and realization shifted how they responded, because now they're able to give themselves compassion and they're able to grasp onto something and do something as opposed to just being.
[00:29:26] Sarah: Well, and back to the P of your paths, the perspective changed once that person realized what was going on for them, they could change the story that they were telling themselves about their child's behavior and heal that trigger. Right.
[00:29:39] Dr. Lynyetta: Exactly exactly. And stressors need to be honored because stressors are things that happen in the moment. You know, like for me, the example with
[00:30:01] But if my daughter is we're, we're having some struggles with bedtime one night, and I didn't get a lot to eat that day. Or my sleep was bumpy that night. Right. And I'm find myself moving into red or descending into blue in that moment. It may not be some deep childhood thing. It's like, I need to eat.
[00:30:21] And.
[00:30:21] Sarah: Your resources are low.
[00:30:23] Dr. Lynyetta: Right. So in that moment, it's my present state is impacting my parenting. Right. So triggers your past is impacting your parenting. Stressors, my present state is impacting my parenting, so that's the difference. and being able to discern what that looks like for yourself can be really helpful and important.
[00:30:41] Sarah: Mm-hmm
[00:30:42] Dr. Lynyetta: And one way that you can tell is if it's and this isn't, this isn't foolproof, because there are, you know, different things that can impact this. But if my child does it on Monday and it's like, not a big deal. You know, I can handle this. I have the, the resources to be able to deal and they do it on Wednesday.
[00:31:01] And I wanna to like throw myself out a window. That's probably a stressor. Because the reactions were very different. If I don't care, we could be in the middle of Hawaii on a beach, the most pleasant experience in the world. If my child does that thing, I react the same way every time that might be a hint that it's a trigger. That might be a hint that there's something else.
[00:31:21] Or if someone else does it, right, it still brings up. Very similar reactions. That might be a hint that it's a trigger. Again, not failproof because there are some nuances there, but that may be one thing that people can look at to discern like, hmm.
[00:31:34] Sarah: That's cool. I, I talk about us, we, when some of my work is like I have parents track their triggers and I'm realizing now that probably what I refer to as unavoidable triggers are actually stressors. I talk about which ones are avoidable, like being late?
[00:31:50] You know, you can, you can get up a little earlier. You can prepare a little bit better the night before, but then I talk about the unavoidable triggers where you can't control your child's back talk. So you need to do some healing to look at like, what is this bringing up for me? What's the story I'm telling myself around this.
[00:32:07] So it's just an interesting parallel. I think I like the stressors terminology.
[00:32:13] Dr. Lynyetta: yes. In that perfect segue, we did not prepare this by the way, into the last letter, which is self-empowerment. Because when we are just flip-flopping between red and blue and we don't have a grasp on any of these things, it leads us to feel powerless and as if life is happening."
★ここまでの要約・日本語訳★
- The interviewee discusses getting triggered while watching a show about race in America, she's unable to express her discomfort to her husband, and this resulted in a moment of annoyance that she later apologized for.
- 彼女は、アメリカの人種に関する番組を見ている最中に、トリガーを引かれ、不快感を夫に表現することができず、後に謝罪するような怒りの瞬間につながったという話をしています。
- It is important to understand how different situations and experiences can act as triggers, affecting how we respond to situations and impacting our relationships.
- 異なる状況や経験がどのようにトリガーとなり、私たちが状況に対応する方法や関係に影響を与えるかを理解することが重要です。
- Each person's triggers are unique to their personal stories and experiences, and understanding these triggers can lead to self-improvement and better relationships.
- それぞれの人のトリガーは、個々の物語や経験に固有のものであり、これらのトリガーを理解することで自己改善やより良い関係が築けます。
- It's vital not only to observe when and where triggers occur, but also recognize that present states (like hunger, tiredness etc) can impact one's parenting or relationships.
- トリガーがいつどこで発生するかを観察するだけでなく、現在の状態（飢餓、疲労など）が親の役割や関係に影響を与えることを認識することも重要です。
- Finally, learning to navigate one's emotional states and triggers lead to self-empowerment and better control over one's reactions.
- 最後に、自分自身の感情状態やトリガーをうまく航行することが、自己効力感を得ることや自分の反応をより良く制御することにつながります。
★ここまでの特徴的な固有名詞・英単語・英語表現★
【固有名詞】
- Dr. Lynyetta（ドクター・リネッタ）
- Sarah（サラ）
【英単語】
- triggered（引き金を引かれた）
- limit（限界）
- implementing（実行する）
- stressors（ストレッサー）
- partnership（パートナーシップ）
- perspective（視点）
- abandonment（見捨てること）
- resources（資源）
- heal（癒す）
【英語フレーズ】
- get into my red zone（私の赤いゾーンに入る）
- didn't want to tell（言いたくなかった）
- look at me like（私を見る様子）
- escaping right now（今すぐ逃げる）
- get snarky（口が悪くなる）
- had nothing to do with you（あなたとは関係ない）
- monitoring your zones（あなたのゾーンを監視する）
- reacting to this present moment（この瞬間に反応する）
- slapping band-aids on top of a big, huge gaping wound（大きな傷口にばんそうこうを貼る）
[00:32:33] Right. But in your example, like with the back talk, once I'm clear on how, who I become in those moments. Because that's what all that's about when you talk about the stories and the emotions and sensations and the tools we use, that is who we become, right. In those moments. Once we have an awareness of it.
[00:32:52] Then we can deal with it again. It gives us something to hold onto like, "oh, okay. I'm becoming that, that part again, right? Like I, in trigger to transform, we talk about the trigger traveler. Right. We all have triggered travelers. We all have those parts of us that pop up and activate to try to protect us in the moment in the situation.
[00:33:10] And sometimes we lash out. Sometimes they shut us down sometimes. Like they have different ways, right. And so once you get a grasp on that and you're like, "oh, that's that triggered traveler that tends to pop up and get really snarky, right. Oh, okay." You can realize, "oh, that part's activated right now. I can do something about that."
[00:33:34] Right. And that's where you can empower yourself now to say, "okay, now I know who I become when my child talks back. You can stay in purple during those moments and you can make creative choices and have creative responses to that situation instead of just reacting in ways that are just gonna exacerbate the moment and possibly lead your child to feel disempowered, which just increases the likelihood that they're gonna keep talking back."
[00:34:01] Right. Because when we're in red or blue, those are areas where we need to protect ourselves. Those zones did not form from an evolutionary perspective millions of years ago, so that we could cuddle with the lion. That's not what we were trying to do. They formed so that we could run from the lion or fight the lion, right.
[00:34:18] Like that's what we wanna do. So in those moments, when our child becomes the lion, the last thing we're able to do from those spaces is connect. So what you end up doing is you end up fighting from your child or shutting down and turning away, which just exacerbates the moment. And in Trigger to Transform,
[00:34:34] I literally have this image of a lion and then this child, like in this Moy situation, and then I kind of like superimpose them, right. Like when your child's the lion, you don't wanna hug the lion. It's not a cute little kitty anymore. It's something that's coming at you to hurt you or threaten you, right? And so when we're able to sink into the paths and walk the paths, then we are able to stay more aligned with purple and our child is less likely to become the lion. That's when those things help. Like my child's not giving me a hard time. They're having a hard time, right?
[00:35:12] When you're in red and blue, none of that makes sense. It's like, "no, they're giving me a hard time," right? Like that's, that's the story. That's where you are. But it's when you're able to stay anchored in purple. Now that doesn't mean that you don't get angry. It doesn't mean that you don't feel powerless or shut down. That's not the thing, our nervous systems do. I still get triggered, just gave you an example, right? And I've been doing this. But it's about, can I do that? And how long does it take me to find my way back to purple or can I stay anchored in purple in these moments?
[00:35:50] So can I recognize that that trigger traveler is activated and still engage from that purple place? Purple-ish doesn't have to be pure purple.
[00:36:00] Sarah: I always say that it, that self-regulation doesn't mean you never get upset. It means that you know how to calm yourself so that you can respond to your child rather than react out of the upset.
[00:36:10] Dr. Lynyetta: Yes. Yes. And that's where that awareness comes in. If I'm aware, I'm getting into a place, I'll tell my kids all the time, "I'm getting really agitated. I need a minute."
[00:36:18] Sarah: Mm-hmm.
[00:36:18] Dr. Lynyetta: You know, but again, that comes from doing the work around, becoming aware and recognizing what zone I'm in. I can't do that if I don't know who I tend to become when I'm in red or when I'm in blue, I can't do that.
[00:36:30] Because then I just react and then afterwards, you know, when the shrapnels fall and the fallout's happening, then I'm like, "oh, sorry, I blew up again. Didn't I? Ah, right." Which again, no shame in recognizing it after is still awareness. It's still awareness,
[00:36:45] Sarah: Yes. And it helps you next time.
[00:36:46] Dr. Lynyetta: Yeah. And then which you'll start to realizes the more you do it, the more you'll start to back it up and then maybe you'll recognize it during, and then you start to recognize it before it happens, right? So it's not about perfection. It's about becoming that Explorer, becoming that detective and having the realizations at different points in time.
[00:37:08] Sarah: When in my membership, we did a workshop recently on befriending your nervous system. And I, I taught them all about the polyvagal map and we did the exercise of mapping, your nervous system, and a couple of people afterwards to me said that was so powerful for them because they'd never before really sat down and thought, like, what does it feel like when I'm in the, you know, just to use your terms?
[00:37:27] What does it feel like when I'm in the red? What does it feel like when I'm in the blue? And they had so little awareness of those different places on their nervous system ladder that just looking at it helped them to be more conscious in their interactions with their kids. Like, "oh, I didn't even realize that when my hands start to clench or my, you know, I get this feeling in my stomach that I'm moving into a reactive state, right."
[00:37:52] Dr. Lynyetta: Yes. Yes. 100%. And you know, it's, it's interesting. How much of, so I've been when I was in private practice as a psychologist, one of my specialty areas is trauma healing, and it's so interesting how much of that I pull into this work because a lot of trauma healing is about befriending our bodies, befriending our emotions, being able to see how long we can tolerate being in certain spaces within ourselves and actually in the environment, you know, so realizing like.
[00:38:22] After 6:00 PM. I'm done as a parent. Like I'm just, I'm a placeholder at that point. So , you know, having that realization about myself and realizing like, "all right, what does that mean? What does that mean about me in terms of how I need to show up?" And one of the things we do in Trigger to Transform is I literally have a module where I literally help people create their own stress management system.
[00:38:45] Cause I'm like, "I can give you all kinds of stuff, but the more aware you become of who you are and who you become. You take it away, right? Like, and so guiding them through like, how do I, what do I need in those moments? When I become this, how do I navigate and negotiate? And we have this cycle, the one-page stress management system where it's like, literally one page, and then you put that up and you start to study it.
[00:39:09] We are so good at studying all the parent. I mean, you could probably see my, well, you could see my bookshelf behind me. I have tons of books, got a lot of education in
[00:39:17] this brain. Right, exactly right. We're really good at studying the parenting books and what all these people say about parenting. And here's the thing.
[00:39:26] Spend some time studying yourself. I promise you that will be way more fruitful than studying 50 million books on how to do parenting. The more aware you become of your, of who you become at different points in this parenting or this partnership process. The more shifts in change, you will see the more transformation you will see in your relationships, because that's what it's all about.
[00:39:53] It's all about who do I become and who do I wanna become? Right. Where am I on that dimmer switch? And where do I wanna be? Yeah.
[00:39:59] Sarah: Wonderful. That's a great place to leave it. Oh, thank you so much. This has been so wonderful to speak with you about this, and I know it's gonna be so helpful for all of our listeners. And it's really helpful for me too, cuz I have to say it's stable misery. Yep. I can relate so I'm gonna ask you the question that I ask all of my guests, which is
[00:40:20] if you could go back in time to your younger parent self, what advice would you give?
[00:40:25] Dr. Lynyetta: I think the advice I would give myself is
[00:40:31] be as present as you can. And it'll be okay. Right. Just, just be as present as you can.
★ここまでの要約・日本語訳★
- The interviewee discussed the idea of self-awareness, particularly in terms of how individuals react and change in different situations. Understanding and becoming aware of these changes is the first step in being able to deal with them effectively.
- 二つ目のポイントでは、自己意識の重要性について語りました、特に、異なる状況における人々の反応と変化について。これらの変化を理解し、自覚することが、それらを効果的に対処するための第一歩であることを強調しました。
- The interviewee used the term "trigger travelers" to describe parts of us that activate to protect us during stressful situations. These trigger travelers can often cause us to lash out or shut down.
- インタビューイーは「トリガートラベラー」という用語を用いて、ストレスフルな状況で私たちを守るために活性化する私たち自身の一部を説明しました。このトリガートラベラーは、時折、私たちに反発したり制御不能になったりする原因となります。
- The interviewee emphasizes that by identifying when and how these trigger travelers activate, individuals can then respond creatively to situations instead of simply reacting, reducing the chances of exacerbating the moment.
- インタビューイーは、これらのトリガートラベラーがいつどのように活性化するのかを特定することで、個々の人々は単に反応するのではなく、状況に創造的に対応することができ、その瞬間を悪化させる可能性を減らすことができると強調しました。
- The interviewee also touched on the idea of studying oneself in order to gain a deeper understanding of their personal reactions and changes. This self-study can lead to further transformations and improvements in our relationships.
- インタビューイーはまた、自分自身を調査することによって自己の反応と変化を深く理解するためのアイデアについても述べました。この自己研究は、私たちの人間関係にさらなる変革や改善をもたらすことができます。
- Dr. Lynyetta advised that she would tell her younger self to be as present as possible, emphasizing that everything would be okay and that remaining present is crucial for positive parenting.
- Dr. Lynyettaは、自分自身に可能な限りプレゼントであることをアドバイスし、すべては大丈夫であること、そしてプレゼントでい続けることがポジティブな親育てには不可欠であることを強調しました。
★ここまでの特徴的な固有名詞・英単語・英語表現★
【固有名詞】
- Dr. Lynyetta（Dr.リネッタ）
- Japan（日本）
【英単語】
- awareness（自覚）
- moment（瞬間）
- sensation（感覚）
- activate（活性化する）
- lash out（反撃する）
- grasp（把握）
- snarky（不快）
- exacerbate（悪化させる）
- disempowered（力を奪われた）
- evolution（進化）
- superimpose（重ね合わせる）
- detect（検出する）
- react（反応する）
- shrapnel（破片）
- fallout（負の影響）
- befriending（友達になること、慣れ親しむ）
- reinforce（強化する）
- tolerate（容認する）
- navigate（航行する）
- negotiation（交渉）
- placeholder（代用品）
【英語フレーズ】
- talk back（口答えする）
- pop up（現れる）
- lash out（怒りを爆発させる）
- make creative choices（創造的な選択をする）
- get a grasp on（〜を理解する）
- be anchored in（〜に固執する）
- respond rather than react（反応するのではなく対応する）
- realize it before it happens（それが起こる前に気づく）
- spend time studying yourself（自分自身を研究する時間を過ごす）
"Don't beat yourself up when you can't. Cuz that that's probably the biggest piece. Because I, I dance. I don't like to use the word struggle. I dance with anxiety. And for much of my early parenting journey, there was a lot of anxiety around making sure that not even that I'm doing it right.
[00:40:55]
Cuz I, I don't believe in right. Necessarily, but making sure that like I'm not missing anything, making sure I'm present enough, making sure cuz regret is blah. I don't wanna regret. You know, and so realizing like just be as present as you can, every step of the journey comes with new lessons. Your kids are gonna be fine.
[00:41:17]
You know, just be there for them and really focus on that connection. If you can't do anything else, just one thing a day to connect, and that's gonna really lend itself to the foundation that you ultimately wanna build.
[00:41:32]
Sarah: And make you more present as you just said.
[00:41:33]
Yeah. I love that. Thank you so much. Can you tell everyone where we can find more about you and what you do and what you offer?
[00:41:42]
Dr. Lynyetta: So um, I'm on Instagram and Facebook, but the, the best place to go for me honestly, is to the parent trigger, score.com because that will get you in my vortex. And you'll get more information about the pads. You'll get more information about the zone experiences. And also what you'll do first is you'll.
[00:42:03]
Amazing quiz that helps you figure out who you tend to become during those triggered moments. I've actually had people write me and say, yeah, that moment when you feel called out by an online quiz, right? Like, so it's really helpful and insightful and helps you on that initial step to your journey around walking the paths,
[00:42:23]
Sarah: Awesome. I'm gonna take the quiz. I'll let you know what my result was. And we'll link to that site. You just mentioned in the show notes for anyone who's driving or something, and can't remember, they can go back and check it out.
[00:42:35]
Dr. Lynyetta: Absolutely. Thank you.
[00:42:36]"
★ここまでの要約・日本語訳★
- The speaker shares about their personal experience with parenting anxiety and urges others not to be hard on themselves if they feel they aren't doing things perfectly.
- 彼は自身の育児への不安体験を共有し、自分自身に厳しくならないよう他の人々に促しています。
- They emphasize the importance of being present for their children and focusing on building connections.
- 彼らは子供たちのために存在し、つながりを築くことに集中することの重要性を強調しています。
- The speaker mentions their presence on social media platforms like Instagram and Facebook and mentions their website “parent trigger” as the best platform to find more about their work.
- スピーカーはInstagramやFacebookなどのソーシャルメディアプラットフォームの存在を述べ、自分の仕事についてもっと詳しく知るための最良のプラットフォームとして自分のウェブサイト「parent trigger」を挙げています。
- There's an online quiz available on their website that helps individuals figure out their behaviors during moments of high stress or triggered responses.
- 彼らのウェブサイトには、ストレスが高まった瞬間やトリガー反応の際の行動を理解するのに役立つオンラインクイズがあります。
- The program will include a link to the speaker's website in the show notes for those unable to remember or note it down at the moment.
- 番組では、現時点で覚えていないかメモを取ることができない人々のために、番組ノートにスピーカーのウェブサイトへのリンクを掲載します。
★ここまでの特徴的な固有名詞・英単語・英語表現★
【固有名詞】
【英単語】
- anxiety（不安）
- journey（旅）
- regret（後悔）
- connection（つながり）
- foundation（基礎）
【英語フレーズ】
- beat yourself up（自分を責める）
- dance with anxiety（不安と戦う）
- present enough（十分な存在）
- just be there for them（彼らのためにただそこにいること）
- tend to become（〜になりがちである）
- feel called out（批判されたと感じる）
- the initial step to your journey（あなたの旅の初歩）
